Happy Birthday, Angel

On August 14th, my mother delivered a baby into the world that God wanted to show it was different yet sensitive enough to help others in any way or form. From what I have learned my difference has given me so much happiness now as it had from the time I discovered that my life would be what I made of it. My mother watched over me, she guided and supported me to which I became the woman I am today. Living the life of two genders isn't easy by all means but it never slowed me down either.

My mother would worry all the time if I were to be found out, that while in high school she had me pulled from gym class and showering with other boys wasn't such a good idea my body was changing then and in a big way. Binding my breasts helped keep my chest flat. My mother would have said “Your fear is that somebody is going to hurt your child,” she said. “There is so much violence, and people are so threatened by [intersex] that they will kill you for being different sometimes. That was always her fear.” I learned to keep my mouth closed and ears open for my life would never be a frightening experience, not that I didn't have bad times in my life but I learned to forgive for all the wrongs in my life so I could be here today writing about it. Forty eight wonderful years have passed with another fifty more ahead to discover what it will be like as the woman.

August 14th may be my birthday though I look at it as something great that god gave me, he gave me my understanding of others, the sense of knowing what to say from the heart and how I have the ears to listen. He and my mother provided me with so many wonderful things to share with others. It isn't the woman in me it is the person who resides in this gender shell, whether I am a male or female, all in all I am me.

So today is a my birthday, a reminder that I have made it another year in this world. I have been reminded by my friends and family 200+ whether on the phone, emails, secondlife or facebook I am happy to be part of everyone's lives. So here's to another 50 years and by then I know I have earned my wings.

Losing it all

Transition was going to make me happy but as it is my transition has been put on hold again the fourth time. Is this gods way of telling me something or am I reading into this too much?

I am one of the less fortunate people in the US that hasn't found any work, I have applied everywhere and have had people come back saying I am over qualified or my qualifications don't meet up with what they are searching for. I haven't been able to pay my mortgage since January so now I am in a battle with Citi mortgage over a foreclosure, I want to keep my house but I am not working so they want it but where do I live then if I am not working? I guess I can sleep in my pickup but it isn't like the old days where I could sleep in my car and no one would know it. The options are slim, I keep hoping and praying that someone gives me work, anything just so I pay my bills.

So that is where I am today, not so happy anymore and depression sure takes alot out of a person who is struggling with life. Someday I will be whole but not today and surely not until I am working again.

So to everyone who reads this, I will be back one day with wonderful news of how I began my life over again. Until then I may post one last time and it will be awhile before I post again but I will be back.

Love all of you and keep smiling because that is my sunshine when I have gray days like today.

I need a eye lift, not enough sleep

I read 1000+ blogs a week trying to help all that is distress other than myself, I found a site tonight that posted not only my site but everyone I know and much more.

The link is http://t-central.blogspot.com/ A comprehensive listing of Trans-Related Bloggers and News Sites.

Omg that is one lengthily site of sites, now I will never sleep. There are way too many people in dire need of my words and shoulder to cry on, better get me a bigger towel to wipe the tears for them.
I also read the queer news, the LGBT for teens, Chocolate blog, makeup and styles blogs, omg shoes blogs, which leaves me with technology as well. So you see I am a very busy person who really needs to shuck off my wings soon, or put back on my special jacket with the tying sleeves.

As I end this little tid bit of a post, I just would like to say to each of you. Life is a journey for all of us, and in it's path we have detours and hazards that only we can bring us back to that path, I believe in adventure that is how I got here today and began sharing some really incredible stories to each and everyone of you.

You see my journey will end one day, but I will come back and help who ever needs me to get them back on track.

Live life to it's fullest and don't look back, we are here for a reason so have fun. That is all I ask of you.

Good night

What defines OUT?

How stupid had I become thinking since I was completely out to my family and friends, I was "OUT".

That isn't what out is, and I am now aware I am only part time which is upsetting.

I guess looking now at the situation at hand there is 2 types of out, one is letting everyone know you are either gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. While there are girls and boys living in the world as that out gender. Unlike myself I am out as a transsexual woman but I am living part time as my male self. I do not wear makeup, all the time or accessories. I haven't worn dresses or skirts, not even a pant suit only low rise female jeans and tunics, sweaters or sweatshirts. I do wear the appropriate attire when I do speakings and speeches.

Even though my wardrobe is all female, I have no male clothes, maybe men shoes but I wear female attire 24 hours a day, hair is in feminine style, everything I have in my life now is feminine. I apply makeup once in awhile.

I live full time as a female but I am not completely out. Employers and clients do not know of Shauna, my grandmother doesn't know as well as a couple neighbors.

I am so embarrassed for thinking I was completely out, how could I be so naive and not realize this. One of my straight friends pointed it out that I was still male even though I dressed in female jeans and tops which made me upset, felt foolish and then I cried.

How did I fool myself into thinking this?

Then I realized what I did, you see I have been rushing, rushing into being the woman in me for so many years, wanting so badly to be her and this has got to stop. I have a set date on living full time, the same time my name changes legally to Shauna. I had said in the beginning of my transition I would take my time, take each step like it was my first to experience life all over again as my true self.

With each visit to electrolysis (E) I am shedding all unwanted hair that seems to grow now, after all the years I am growing hair in places that never had hair so I am having it taken out forever. The hormones are helping to achieve what my natural hormones did not produce and it is such a wonderful sensation to feel my breasts growing though painful when bumped but all in all nature is developing me slowly into her. As my hair grows out on to my shoulders, I haven't worn my hair long in over 25 years. Pinning it back while reading or washing my face, or the constant pushing it back. I now am aware all the exciting things that are set forth in my life.
I am constantly worrying that my weight is all wrong, dieting to achieve the ideal weight has had me on tantrums of despair because it rises from no activity, though I watch what I consume it doesn't change the fact that I am still gaining weight. I have to use the gym more often and quit being a lazy Shawn.

This isn't fun and games, this is for real. I am totally changing my life from the inside out, and continuing to watch my health in this whole process, I can not afford to get ill anymore while in transition.
As I move forward in my baby steps to becoming a full time woman, I am achieving the greatest gift from all of this, I am being taught finally to be a woman slowly and in a mature way where dressing isn't like a twenty something year old. Funny how I had to change my thinking on dressing, everyday I must wear a bra so not to accidentally hit one of them which would cause stars to appear and a painful jolt of reality that I screwed up.

Spoke to my sister and explained I was frighten of what people would say to me being out, and she gave me a welcome call by stating"You should not worry of what people think, they will adjust as times moves forward. You need to think about your happiness and not everyone else around you!" She is right!

So today I am going window shopping as my female self with my straight male friend and just live life for me even if I am part time!

REMEMBERING OUR DEAD FAMILY MEMBERS 2008

How many of us will the world take away, before someone realizes we are people too? I often sit and wonder about that because we each have a story to tell about something tragic in our lives. I am so thankful everyday for being sparred. I have lost so many friends over violence of being different, just as so many others as well.

We need to stand strong and fight back, unity is stronger than any of us are used to. No more doing something on our own, we need to group together. We are a family, each one of us is a member of that family. So on November 20th, we will remember our fallen members and pray for their souls. Let the world see we are people too. So stand tall, stand proud, stand together, unite and remember all who isn't here on November 20th.

In Gods name we pray......Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name,Thy kingdom come,Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven,Give us this day our daily bread, And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us,And lead us not into temptation,But deliver us from evil, For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen

REMEMBERING OUR DEAD





Please Remember me......

Can I give you a Hug?

I clearly didn't know what the outcome would be, but it wasn't numbers, I wanted to share myself with you because we all need to love again.

Have I touched your soul, was it a hug, was it mere words maybe laughter? I love making people feel good, bring a little happiness into their lives. Listen to them and give a little support that is all I ever do because I found a little piece of my own happiness being a wonderful friend. God what a wonderful gift I can give.

I do have one question, will this end? As I am watching the clock of health I wonder if my time is almost up, I sure hope not, my job isn't completed yet the world is still in turmoil and many others need someone like myself to bring them out of it. So is my time up?

I was sent a video this morning from the head conseil for (OII) http://www.intersexualite.org/Index.html, Curtis is a wonderful person who like me cares so much for people. While viewing it the emotional roller coaster began, the tears didn't stop flowing even after the video stopped because really all you ever need is a hug, the world will feel better again.

So here is the video to all of you and a hug from me.



As long as people know I care and am here for them, I will live in your hearts forever, one hug, one smile all the happiness I can give. I am extremely grateful for finding love and emotional happiness with all my friends everywhere, and all the new friends I will meet whether here or there.

Thank you for letting me share.....