Losing it all

Transition was going to make me happy but as it is my transition has been put on hold again the fourth time. Is this gods way of telling me something or am I reading into this too much?

I am one of the less fortunate people in the US that hasn't found any work, I have applied everywhere and have had people come back saying I am over qualified or my qualifications don't meet up with what they are searching for. I haven't been able to pay my mortgage since January so now I am in a battle with Citi mortgage over a foreclosure, I want to keep my house but I am not working so they want it but where do I live then if I am not working? I guess I can sleep in my pickup but it isn't like the old days where I could sleep in my car and no one would know it. The options are slim, I keep hoping and praying that someone gives me work, anything just so I pay my bills.

So that is where I am today, not so happy anymore and depression sure takes alot out of a person who is struggling with life. Someday I will be whole but not today and surely not until I am working again.

So to everyone who reads this, I will be back one day with wonderful news of how I began my life over again. Until then I may post one last time and it will be awhile before I post again but I will be back.

Love all of you and keep smiling because that is my sunshine when I have gray days like today.

Phantoms

In all my years I have never been unemployed so this is really a first for me, it has been a year almost which scares the hell out of me with transitioning and the medical bills piling up, I wish I was bi and find a man to take care of me but that isn't the case here now is it?

I am a true lesbian and I wouldn't have it any other way. At 47 years of age, I look like a typical dyke and I like it really I do. The ghosts still keep me on my toes and someday I will get proper care to rid these phantoms from disturbing me in my mind. I tell myself not to blame all men, 3 guys took my virginity and destroying all hopes of being myself. I shudder to think how cruel people are that they can do something so badly and not feel remorse. It has affected me in many ways which I find myself reacting in an aggressiveness manner when it comes to decisions. Men tend to touch that bad side of me, sorry to say a majority are just plain perverts chasing a tail for release.

I am very disappointed with myself, treating a perfect stranger as the enemy not knowing why or what I should have not said, but often times it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I play a game called Second Life, there I am myself, I am Shauna. I am a sub also for a woman who treats me badly at times and tell myself that would be the last time she treated me badly, that isn't the case I always go back because even though she treats me bad she is also giving me the attention I need. The men there have proven to me that they are nothing but pigs, time and again some guy will make a statement towards me. If I could I slap his face for being so rude, or let the male aggression rise so I can take 10 years of a bad marriage out on him.

Life isn't a bowl of happiness, it isn't the white picket fence in front of the cottage that we all have dreamt of when we were children. This life isn't what I expected but I am making the best of it with my dreams. So with that said, someday I will be working, and a therapist will rid the ghosts of my past. Hopefully I don't grow to old to care anymore, because after all that is what I know how to do.

What defines OUT?

How stupid had I become thinking since I was completely out to my family and friends, I was "OUT".

That isn't what out is, and I am now aware I am only part time which is upsetting.

I guess looking now at the situation at hand there is 2 types of out, one is letting everyone know you are either gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. While there are girls and boys living in the world as that out gender. Unlike myself I am out as a transsexual woman but I am living part time as my male self. I do not wear makeup, all the time or accessories. I haven't worn dresses or skirts, not even a pant suit only low rise female jeans and tunics, sweaters or sweatshirts. I do wear the appropriate attire when I do speakings and speeches.

Even though my wardrobe is all female, I have no male clothes, maybe men shoes but I wear female attire 24 hours a day, hair is in feminine style, everything I have in my life now is feminine. I apply makeup once in awhile.

I live full time as a female but I am not completely out. Employers and clients do not know of Shauna, my grandmother doesn't know as well as a couple neighbors.

I am so embarrassed for thinking I was completely out, how could I be so naive and not realize this. One of my straight friends pointed it out that I was still male even though I dressed in female jeans and tops which made me upset, felt foolish and then I cried.

How did I fool myself into thinking this?

Then I realized what I did, you see I have been rushing, rushing into being the woman in me for so many years, wanting so badly to be her and this has got to stop. I have a set date on living full time, the same time my name changes legally to Shauna. I had said in the beginning of my transition I would take my time, take each step like it was my first to experience life all over again as my true self.

With each visit to electrolysis (E) I am shedding all unwanted hair that seems to grow now, after all the years I am growing hair in places that never had hair so I am having it taken out forever. The hormones are helping to achieve what my natural hormones did not produce and it is such a wonderful sensation to feel my breasts growing though painful when bumped but all in all nature is developing me slowly into her. As my hair grows out on to my shoulders, I haven't worn my hair long in over 25 years. Pinning it back while reading or washing my face, or the constant pushing it back. I now am aware all the exciting things that are set forth in my life.
I am constantly worrying that my weight is all wrong, dieting to achieve the ideal weight has had me on tantrums of despair because it rises from no activity, though I watch what I consume it doesn't change the fact that I am still gaining weight. I have to use the gym more often and quit being a lazy Shawn.

This isn't fun and games, this is for real. I am totally changing my life from the inside out, and continuing to watch my health in this whole process, I can not afford to get ill anymore while in transition.
As I move forward in my baby steps to becoming a full time woman, I am achieving the greatest gift from all of this, I am being taught finally to be a woman slowly and in a mature way where dressing isn't like a twenty something year old. Funny how I had to change my thinking on dressing, everyday I must wear a bra so not to accidentally hit one of them which would cause stars to appear and a painful jolt of reality that I screwed up.

Spoke to my sister and explained I was frighten of what people would say to me being out, and she gave me a welcome call by stating"You should not worry of what people think, they will adjust as times moves forward. You need to think about your happiness and not everyone else around you!" She is right!

So today I am going window shopping as my female self with my straight male friend and just live life for me even if I am part time!

Who would have thought

Thirty six years ago transsexual wasn't quite the word I was looking for in the library to describe why I was different than my brothers. Intersex wasn't even used yet, it would be many years later before such a word came from my lips and knowing what it meant was a whole different matter.

I have walked in between genders for so long, knowing well enough that it wasn't safe to step out into a society that wasn't ready for someone like me. So here I am today transitioning, transitioning is something God didn't finish or maybe he meant for me to be this way. All I know is once I began this journey I knew I wouldn't be happy till I was finished.
I am handsome and beautiful, man and woman. I know this from others who have told me. I never considered myself either, that word is a description I am uncomfortable with. I find myself to be average and that is all.

I can say that what I have learned over the years has prepared me for my SRS, life is an experience that you will not learn from a book trust me on this. So I will wait, this surgery is a one time shot no turning back if you aren't happy with it. Nope this is final! It isn’t like a dress that didn’t fit or look right on you. This surgery doesn't make you a woman, the woman is you before the operation so unless you actually feel what it is being her, I wouldn't even think about SRS.

Then there is all the cosmetic surgeries, I can not describe how many young girls inquire about their chest being too small. Before you whip open your bra, to have the doctor cut your chest open to make a pocket and shove a silicon orb into it, I would suggest waiting for the hormones to sink into the system.Nature is a wonderful thing, feeling your body change that was once flat into something so lovely. I have beautiful breasts though not big but they are mine. No foreign object making a impression for all the world to see. Feeling puberty is the greatest thing a woman can experience, I know I have done it twice. I walk around with sore boobies all the time but they are real.

All the different things to happen to your body, the different ways to achieve to be a woman. Redefining what isn’t female, the scalp, forehead, jaw line, cheeks and the list goes on.
Why are so many in a hurry, there isn't a race to become who we are, I hear it so many times of what they want to do and they are in a hurry.

The biggest pleasure I used to have were my electronics, I own so much I am a tech junkie, I have ipods, palm pilots, Xbox360, playstation3, laptops, computers and servers. Giant LCD TV to 103 inch monitor for my computer, and to top it off theater 8 to 1 surround sound. I have it all, why I have so much, I have no ideal it was my ego to achieve this goal.

Now my biggest possession believe it or not isn't my 200 plus shoe collection. Or the electronics that makes you tingle when you first walk into my home. It isn’t my house or my sport pickup truck.

It is me and my health, I would give up all my toys, all my shoes and all my money just to feel healthy again.

I don't need to feel stitches in my skin from a cosmetic surgery I wanted, or feel myself in a strange bed waiting for my face to heal with the bruising and discoloration because my cheeks aren't feminine enough, the gauze hiding the hindered swelling from a shaved brow. To see two large orbs and pressure on my chest because I needed breasts. Imagine the dull ache between my legs that once support a male organ. These are changes we all seek to become a woman and are in a race to get it. Why is it this way? When I was a child I only wanted to know why I was different, not cutting my body up to get the answer.

So here I am 36 years later, wondering daily if I will wake the next day with no pain, my insides are moving again, changing as I type this. It is in turmoil over a tiny thing attached to my ovary. I am Intersex that special word that change everything and my ovary, the one thing that defines me as a woman had made me ill. No, I am in no hurry for surgeries; I am who I am trying to survive.

Who would have thought this all started sitting in a library?

Can I give you a Hug?

I clearly didn't know what the outcome would be, but it wasn't numbers, I wanted to share myself with you because we all need to love again.

Have I touched your soul, was it a hug, was it mere words maybe laughter? I love making people feel good, bring a little happiness into their lives. Listen to them and give a little support that is all I ever do because I found a little piece of my own happiness being a wonderful friend. God what a wonderful gift I can give.

I do have one question, will this end? As I am watching the clock of health I wonder if my time is almost up, I sure hope not, my job isn't completed yet the world is still in turmoil and many others need someone like myself to bring them out of it. So is my time up?

I was sent a video this morning from the head conseil for (OII) http://www.intersexualite.org/Index.html, Curtis is a wonderful person who like me cares so much for people. While viewing it the emotional roller coaster began, the tears didn't stop flowing even after the video stopped because really all you ever need is a hug, the world will feel better again.

So here is the video to all of you and a hug from me.



As long as people know I care and am here for them, I will live in your hearts forever, one hug, one smile all the happiness I can give. I am extremely grateful for finding love and emotional happiness with all my friends everywhere, and all the new friends I will meet whether here or there.

Thank you for letting me share.....