Pregnancy - Is it possible

In a world not too many people know of I am a true woman, I am beautiful, petite, Japanese, a body to die for and I am comfortable. I know hundreds of people, all friends I have met along my journey, and here I can have anything without fear of violence and jobs are plenty.

This place is called Second Life, my home away from home. I have many friends and I have a place of my own but the one thing I wanted more than anything is in my tummy, this little thing is something I would never be able to have here in the real world. I get emotional when I talk about it because it does feel real there, I am pregnant about two months and it is a wonderful feeling and an emotional trip. This thing called life which involves so many different levels of maturity and femininity, one of mine is to be carrying a child. I have always wanted that little bundle of joy, feeling her move within my tummy. Hearing her heartbeat and seeing images in digital of something I made with love. I can not make a child in RL (real life) or bear a child as a male or female, that option I never received. Her little fingers so precious and toes, 5 of each, perfect arms and perfect hair, sweet smile and the goo goo look.

Second Life has given me the best 2 presents in the world becoming pregnant and my sweet Twgrlz.

" She will be Shauna from the beginning without the pain I had to endure to become the Shauna I am today."


I also have a gorgeous girlfriend, she too is my world for which I breathe, her name there is twgrlz, my M. To see us together and her fussing with my activities you would think we were married, here we equal.

There is no right or wrong everyone is equal, where transgender is as common as the rest of the race. This is where I will be the mother I want to be, bring up our baby with no worries and live happy and free. Learning all the aspects of what it is to become a mother and being careful as not to jump off a building for fear of breaking something.

So as time progresses I will give an update to all of you... how the baby and I are.


*** Follow-ups:

01/29/2008 I bought a beautiful crib for my little Shauna, she will definitely be a little princess. She now has a godfather whom is a friend of mine, call him A, he was the one who took me to the wedding of one of my girl friends in SL. And I am waiting for a response of the godmother whom is the girlfriend of my ex Mistress. My clothes no longer fit correctly, have bought many different types of maternity wear, ahh much better. Anyhow I will keep you posted of changes.

02/05/2008 The baby is doing well, as for me I am noticing swelling in my ankles and a back ache. I am now 4 months pregnant and she is the best thing to happen to me.

02/07/2009 I did something awful that is hurting me in real life, I fell in love with my wife in SL which is a no no. Also we had a argument and I said some things which I know may have hurt her. I am so sad, and want this to end. I want to be happy again......

02/16/2009 Today marks 5 months pregnant and there is a big change, she is kicking now letting me know she is there {smiles} and I have new pictures I will post. I am no longer married, she dissolved the marriage because we are so alike that we could never agree on anything. Tw said it wasn't anyones fault why it didn't work, it is better if we were friends instead. I learn so much in my virtual world compared to the real deal which is so boring.

how common are we to you

I was reading this morning as I always do which keeps me up to date with the happenings of our growing community. A story which involved a young Indian girl who tried committing suicide because she was different. We all are different more so than others but she has Intersex. Reading that story unleashed a mess of emotions that I cried for a very long time as the pools of tears swelled up and wondered why people have to be mean to us, why? The story is on a site I go to because I have it too, http://intersexnews.blogspot.com/2009/01/punishing-difference.html, why it is that we as the human species can not get along with other boggles me. She is the female version of me, we have the same chromosomes and Ovetestes, we share the testosterone difference that is rejected.

All I would like to know is why, why we are subjected to ridicule all the time. A child with downs syndrome isn't put to shame, a person who is blinded at birth never hears the words we hear, so what difference? What is it that makes people stop and stare, whisper ugly words because we are Intersex. Do you think we wanted to be born this way?

INTERSEX and the different types

Not XX and not XY 1 in 1,666 births
Klinefelter (XXY) 1 in 1,000 births

Androgen insensitivity syndrome 1 in 13,000 births

Partial androgen insensitivity syndrome 1 in 130,000 births

Classical congenital adrenal hyperplasia 1 in 13,000 births

Late onset adrenal hyperplasia 1 in 66 individuals

Vaginal agenesis 1 in 6,000 births (1)

Ovotestes 1 in 83,000 births

Idiopathic (no discernible medical cause) 1 in 110,000 births

Iatrogenic (caused by medical treatment,

for instance progestin administered to pregnant mother) no estimate

5 alpha reductase deficiency no estimate

Mixed gonadal dysgenesis no estimate

Complete gonadal dysgenesis 1 in 150,000 births

Hypospadias (urethral opening in perineum or along penile shaft) 1 in 2,000 births

Hypospadias (urethral opening between corona and tip of glans penis) 1 in 770 births

Total number of people whose bodies differ from standard male or female 1 in100 births

Total number of people receiving surgery to "normalize" genital appearance 1 or 2 in 1,000 births


I see now after all these years why my mother kept me a secret.

He was actually a girl

It is August 14th, 11 p.m. a baby is born with a unique gift and is pronounced as male, when he reaches eleven years old his life changes from a happy child to an ugly dark secret which is held for 47 years...he was actually a girl.




Transitioning is very big, an experience no one really knows unless they are going through it themselves. Like many others who have told this story, I can tell you it is a challenge with the depression and trying to live your life as you want but with people starring and whispering it sort of gives you a feeling life isn't as grand as it should be.

As a male, being Intersex no one questioned me. What difference does it make what your gender is, does it change who you really are?

I really do think it does, a male gets so much more respect than the female gender. Even though a beautiful woman with great legs, slim waist and big breasts get great attention she is still not a male so there will be a struggle based on gender.

I question that each day, only because I seen my wholesome friendships lapse since my announcement that I am not who they knew, I struggled to be a male for 47 years and not one knew because I never failed at what I did best..hide.

I don't wish to hide no longer I want to fit in, I want to be myself, let me breath, let me be who I am. Don't try to run my life, I am not crazy, I don't wear feminine attire for sexual gratification, you have no idea what this transition is like. It is an expensive emotional roller coaster of ups and downs crammed into a lifetime of anxiety.

I am altering myself to be who I am, with the help of my doctors watching my health, my therapist who listens to me crying about my dreams and electrolysis technician whom means the world to me.

I will say that electrolysis is not for sissies, I mean you have a tiny needle the size smaller than the follicle which zaps electricity into the pore and the hair dies and get yanked out, sounds like fun huh? Give it a try, have them hairs whisked out of your face, especially around the lips and by the angel kiss. Mind you this isn't a game the costs aren't as bad as the pain, it needs to be done.
I have had thirty hours performed on me, I don't think I am doing this because I enjoy pain. I want my body to match my brain, even though the hair is soft, hair does not belong. Now mind you my facial follicles are little, I was teased for many years on shaving which I didn't have to often. The joke was always apply milk on my face and have the cat lick it off.

The medical portion of transition, the estrogen has finally altered my body as well, it finally caught up with the years of being produced which has altered my features as well as my mind more to where I love being. I am happier this last year though not employed but within myself I have found inner peace. I have been on very strong doses for eight months which there is no turning back, my chest and certain areas can never return to normal. I have fought a ovarian cyst which I thank the goddess everyday for not being cancerous and for giving another day to live. I am no longer in pain and I have a clean bill of health. I am also altering my voice now in sounding female, though I know women who sound more male than I. I have spent hundreds on voice lessons, time to practice and concentrate.

Transitioning is more than taking pills, and having surgery. One needs to find that happy place and decide where they want to be, I have always had my happy place it was getting started that prevented this from happening. Surgery is a leg of the transition, some feel they aren't complete and I understand this more than anyone. It is an emotional procedure that gives birth to the woman in you but at the same token the male dies off. I know many ladies who have had it, they go through the mourning of that special someone which they have been with since birth, and he is gone.

You don't know what is like to be in my shoes, I say this because it is true, it isn't easy living two lives to justify inner peace. Shawn was very successful at whatever he did, he knew the mechanical aspects that made things run, but here I stand where he used too trying to get my life started. What now, what will I do and will people trust me like they did with Shawn? I know everything he knew though the doors aren't opening quite as quick as they did for him. I know
it is the gender thing again, transitioning a male into female will take away many opportunities though I know I will not fail, I haven't yet.

The different and strange things I must learn to become Shauna you would not want to try to do, for a woman these would be second hand, like nothing but as a boy I wasn't taught how to do these acts.
I am learning new things everyday, something that would have been taught to me as a girl only I was taught to be a boy. Have you tried on a pair of pumps with a shank heel the size of a pencil, or used a curling iron only to find it burns quickly too close to the face. Simple things, these tiny things make a difference in how you present yourself, the way you wear your hair, shade of lipstick, eye shadow, blush to give the womanly appearance. The way you wear your attire, not a simple procedure either, the outfits and accessories must match perfectly and then comes the shoes and purse.

These by all means are simple things, but try to do these simple things when you are used to jumping out of bed, getting dressed and smoothing down your hair and go about your business without a care in the world. Those days are long gone, I gave that up for being who I am with my hair styled with a blow dryer and hairspray. With a beautiful tone on my face after which I have washed and moisturized, this beauty is applied and it doesn't take seconds oh no, I have to wake an hour earlier to be at my best and after all is done I am unsatisfied.

I never said this would be easy, people would definitively cringe at the thought of what transition is about. I welcome it, it made me feel whole again, gave me something to live for, to reach out and grasp that brass ring.

My gender is so unique that I have to explain to people that I am both genders, stronger female yet both. People aren't used to that, so what they weren't used to the African Americans or Asian Americans, and they gotten through it.
I tried to justify that I am like every male to female transgender but I was wrong, it is true I have a leg up on each of them and if it weren't for Veronique I may have argued till I was blue in the face. I wish I were like my sisters and brothers, I want to learn all I can and understand why this is such a long process, an emotional and expensive journey.

I can honestly say I am a woman and I wouldn't haven't any other way!


Life is good :-)



I found a 3 part series of Intersex which I would love to share with also it gave me goosebumps because there is so much truth in this story.
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEir4IWHYrY
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVaMKMqcL6o
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9OAG1X6ix4



It took me 8 days to write this post...wow.

A Star was Born

Well I finally did it, I pushed the envolope and put myself on YouTube. I guess I have been thinking about it for sometime and really I am out so why not show the rest of the world, I have nothing to be ashamed of and that is that. So without further ado my first video for all of you to view.




It was fun to make, but by god my voice is terrible.
Love Shauna

10 things you may have never knew about me

I live in a complex world as you all know, and I will mention some things you may of never knew if it wasn't for SyrLinus and his blog. Like a challenge, I could never pass this up.

1. I am deathly afraid of spiders and cobwebs. In the summer months, stupid spiders weave webs across my yard and it is head level, why shouldn't it be, but if I walk into it all hell breaks loose. I become a little girl in mere seconds trying to get that thing off me waving my arms and tearing at my face because I know there is a spider in it. If it wasn't, it is sure getting a great show and laugh at my plight.

2. I can not say no to anyone when it comes to me doing something for them. I haven't the notion why I don't say it, all I know is I will go out of my way to help them.

3. I have a big dream someday, I want to wear a ball gown, white gloves and slippers which I would want a handsome man sweep me off my feet and dance the night away. But only dance, nothing more and feel what it would feel to be a true lady.
* I know it is silly but that is why it is a dream, it may never happen but if it did all my dreams would be fulfilled.

4. I was once a chef, a GM mechanic, a plumber, a nurses aide, a teacher, a welder, tile setter, carpet installer, Mechanical Engineer, artist, writer and law student. Jack of all trades master at none. I believe anyone can do whatever they want to do, imagination helps but you could do it because I did.

5. After breaking both my heels and ankles I was in casts for 4 weeks, how that happen was stupidity. I put a ladder on a picnic table because I didn't have a long enough ladder. Now everything was fine until I was coming down the ladder which the picnic table moved and the ladder all of a sudden was shorter. I grabbed the gutters which I ripped down and the ladder rungs grabbed my feet, shaved my shins and I land squarely on my feet which blew out my arches and made them flat. The best part of all of this, my wife wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks, I was on a holiday :-)

6. I lived outside and in a car for three years. It was before my mom became sick, all she was told was I was comfortable. She never knew and she didn't need to know. I wouldn't take a handout, I provided for myself showered at the YMCA, washed my clothes in a laundry mat. I did very well surviving even when it was cold outside.

7. I play the TV at night and during the day, not watching it, but to pretend someone is home other than I. It is called loneliness of having someone. So the TV helps with this.

8. I will not date anyone while I am transitioning. I do not want someone hurt when they see the changes, as a male dating females. She wouldn't want a male to female, why would she, she could date another female without the complications. I have seen it many times dating . No, I will do this alone.

9. I never wish to retire, I am a workaholic averaging 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. Multitasking never was used until they met me :) up to 8 PC's on my desk and three laptops , trying to fix them all in a single day. I had customer satisfaction awards for performing 100% and this is where no plays a key component.

10. I want to move away from my parents, it isn't because I don't love them, it is because I am too close. Everything that involves the family is brought to me first, I don't wish to be that involved and my father who isn't comfortable with his oldest son becoming his oldest daughter sure doesn't help.


There is so much I could write about but I was asked from Linus to do this, so here it is. Somethings you didn't know about me. And the other things maybe I may write about them :)

Good night

Bodybuilder and the transwoman

As the sweat rolled off my temples and my muscles quivered I pushed and pulled with all my might, I am in a maintenance routine. My body fat is less than 9%, I weigh in at 170 at 5'11 and I am solid muscle.
As I recoiled from the machine, I would jump on another for more reps and watch the sweat sting my eyes I needed to get stronger.....it was like a drug and I needed my fix!

That was nine years ago since I benched 290 lbs, and squat 550 lbs. How can that be you are saying, well believe it or not I used to compete in bodybuilding. My biceps were once 20 inches flexed, today a mere 12, wow, time sure took its toll. My chest was 48 inches and I had tree trunks for quads. (The photo isn't mine, but we had the same body and looked the same so I used it. He is a good friend of mine.)
Strong wasn't the word for what I looked like, more like a freak of nature but I looked like a man. My doctors couldn't believe here I stood before them with my back injury all healed proving once again they were wrong. I did walk, jumped, ran and stood before them in solid muscle.

So what happen to the bodybuilder?

I ended up tearing two deltoids right one up front, ripping it in half and the left rear partial tear, and blowing out my left knee that pulled me from the gym which I was living 12 hours a day 6 days a week.
My meals were proportioned into six meals, each consisted of protein whether it was food, a shake, maybe a protein bar. Nothing impure went into my stomach and a gallon of water each day. No soda, sugar even milk wasn't part of my diet. It would cause havoc in my body so I only put the best in me. Muscles were everywhere, and the Andros I consumed made me mean as hell. I could put a walnut between my ass cheeks and crack it in half by flexing, funny as it sounds that is how it was.
I wanted to be the man my father seen, I was determined to prove I was every inch a man just by looking at me, only thing that stopped that was the woman in me. I didn't wish to be a freak no more, and by pulling me out of the gym it saved who I really was.

Today I stand at 5'7" my body weight is 180lbs and body fat is above 20. No more weights, just exercise and I am on my way. Yes I lost everything, but gained my life back. I stand before a mirror that once showed me a chiseled chest, today I have breasts. The once thick arms are now loose with no strength and very thin. And my beautiful tree trunks, are smooth thighs that are my selling point when dressed appropriate. Yes the bodybuilder isn't here anymore, but a woman now stands in his place.

Estrogen replaced the Andros, I am sweeter and mellow, my mind is always in a happy place. I'd rather walk store to store than run the treadmill or jog 10 miles. Clothes are what I think of now, and I started a new exercise plan, I want to be a 10 but prefer an 8 by summer. So I am hanging up the sweets again, back to 6 meals a day and a whole gallon of water. I guarantee I will be in a swim suit this summer. Unlike my male side, I will have a body not full of muscles only a feminine one that is soft and pretty to the touch. With that said, I will close this post because like my old male self the trick to perfect health is not just what you put in the body it is how much sleep you get to repair it as well.


So goodnight and hope to see a brand new you too.

Give me Freedom not Politics

I know so many people from every shade and every sexual aspect, I have no prejudice.

I stand for everyone and I fight for freedom, freedom of speech and the American way. I write about the military wanting them to bring our boys and girls home but I am still beside them no matter what. Our government is what we made it to be, only because we became lazy and voted in crooks and money hungry thieves to stand for us when really they never do.

It is time we took a stand and clean up the damage that has this country in turmoil. I am one person with a big mouth that wants change where we all are free whether we are a woman, man, child, whether we are yellow, black or white and where our standards are most common whether we are straight, trans, gay or disabled we as a person are free.

I will not use the world hate for it is improper to use, I do not agree with people on their thinking or the political policies we have to live with because we made them out of laziness.

As everyone that knows me I am straight and Intersex but what is this word straight? If I were gay would I be a different person, would you disagree with me because of my way of life? As a woman I am gay but as a man I am straight.

Does this confuse you, it shouldn't I am that same person that will bend over backwards to help out my fellow man. I try to help whoever I can, I don't care if you don't have money, or that you are a different color or that you live a different lifestyle because to me you are a person and we are equal.

I have many friends that are afraid to walk down the street because they changed their appearance, their appearance that's all!! And now they are an outcast, WHY? What changed? They are still the same person with the same values as they were yesterday and yet people hurt them, treat them unfairly and for what, they changed the way they look?

How sad is this place we call the United States, freedom is what I fight for everyday with my letters to congress, to our serviceman, all the meetings with my friends and family because people can not be who they are, why, you turn your backs on them. That isn't how I am, I dislike this way of life there is no trust.

We all are different whether you accept it or not, we make choices everyday whether we wear a skirt or a dress, whether we wear our hair straight or shave our heads but look at the BIG PICTURE we do what we want to do because we are DIFFERENT.

I decided to change my appearance in April 2008, did you treat me different?

Now don't sit there and say no, I want you to really think about this before you answer!

I have always had the same personality.

I decided I wanted to become a woman instead of the man I was told to be, not by choice. Does this change my personality? My character as the person I have always been?

Now mind you my appearance is different, would this upset you? Would you think different of me just because I changed my appearance? Would this change my ability to work on your equipment?

Now think before you say anything, let it sit in you, let it dwell as I say before you say anything. "Mind you I am the same person I was yesterday."

Now what in my appearance has to do with the person I have always been? This has been bothering me for so long, that it has me writing again. My friends are still the same, they have knowledge that I have used in my being the person I am today. These people are network engineers, doctors and software engineers. And I still am in contact with them everyday, I don't look at a person from the outside. I look at a person with their abilities on the inside that is a gift I have.

When I broke my back and reside in a wheel chair for many years, people questioned whether I was able to do a job, hey I was the same person I was before the accident. I worked on computers and did it very well whether I was sitting in an office or a wheelchair, I could fix what was broken.

I have many (more than 1000 friends that have become women), and still they are the same person but changed their appearance and now some are an outcast…Why? What changed?

That is their preference to be as they want to be, it isn't your choice to stand in their way this is America, the home of freedom to make choices and stand by them and I for one will stand beside them because I am their friend as I always have been. They didn't change anything other than their wrapper.

Now does any of this make sense to any of you? Why does the appearance change the way the person has always been? Why is it that they have to live in fear because they changed their appearance, their gender I should say?

This shouldn't have to be, we are all the same whether I am Trans, straight, gay, Catholic, Jewish,Black, white, man or woman. Hello, I am still the same person and am fighting for our rights.

Purse and Boots, not the fairytale

I had a discussion today with a client, now mind you people in general can not figure me out whether I am male or female and I have no problem with it. Some days I am male and some I do look female, I live in both genders so I guess people do get mixed feelings and ask either be the male or the female but not both. I just tell them my female side will be legal in April and I am getting used to the water so to speak :-)

So the client whom is the nicest man you would want to meet, a little hyperactive and probably rip your head off if you cross him or hurt someone he knows, but all in all a very sweet man. He and I were talking tonight about genders and sexuality, and the fact I am different than anyone he has ever met.
He knows gay people and he is fine with it, but an Intersex male/female kind of through him off a bit but he is fine with it.

He likes me and he said I quote "you are the sweetest and most honest person" and he didn't see the tear escape from my eye. When I hear that from people, I know I am doing a good job and making people happy. That is what I live for, I love laughter and happiness all around me so to hear words that describe me in that fashion, I take it to heart.

I will call him C, because client is way to long to keep writing and besides his name starts with a C. In a way I am happy he is a client and friend, I work for him but not his company if you know what I mean. He isn't a 9 to 5 kind of job.
So to get on with my story, he and I were chatting about how difficult it is to be in my shoes, C said it had to be the hardest thing to be me, actually it is rough and I go to the cemetery spend some time there and come home listen to music and find myself, as long as I can find myself I am alright.

I drove to C's business as Shawn, yes I do that, dressed as Shauna. Boy that sounds crazy but if I get pulled over, Shawn has the license and insurance, Shauna doesn't even have a permit. So I drive as Shawn there and all is fine, but today I did something I have never done before, I wear a scrunchy to pull my hair back while I drive or work on something, I applied some lipstick and my glasses because I have a hard time with signs at night. I look in the rear view mirror and smile, Shauna is looking back and she is driving as well. What a rush, you haven't a clue what I am babbling about, I look like any woman on the road driving my cute little pickup truck.

Now I should take this as a compliment, so anyhow I pull up to the light and up creeps another pickup and there is a man in it he smiles and waves, I smile back and pull up not being rude and he pulls up and is looking, now this is creepy so I move up and he does the same so ignore him, I pretend I am on the phone and pray the light changes. What is with men doing that, yes it is a compliment that he finds me attractive but please don't don't keep moving up to check a woman out that isn't interested. Ugghh!

A delivery from UPS has enlighten my day, my Christmas have arrived, I had ordered from Khols with my gift cards a pair of boots almost like UGG without the price and a very cute black shoulder purse also a pink scarf, hat and gloves which are so cute but they haven't been delivered. I have now two purses, but this one is a shoulder type and it is very useful so I try it on and I fill it up with Kleenex and makeup that I use daily oh and attached my cellphone to the strap, then of all things 4 flash drives (hey I am a computer girl what can I say). I called my sister since she is one of my gift cards, and let her know what she bought me and she was very supportive and she wanted to see them. I will show her soon, but since my father is non supportive I have to trend softly because he is a heartache to my gender issues.

No matter how much you explain to him what I am about, when it was discovered and all the medical evidence he refuses to believe that his son is now gay dressing as a woman. So I prefer to stay away from him dressed as myself and besides he is 74 years old and not well. So on Sunday I was going to show my sister my new purse and boots, but it could wait until I see her alone.

Anyway I got distracted, tired I guess, I should be in bed but I am cleaning a virus off my client's laptop and I couldn't sleep.

So yes Mr C. , you do not want to walk in my shoes no matter what pair, most people won't because of the craziness and the depression I get but I am happy either way because after all I am Shauna.

I need a eye lift, not enough sleep

I read 1000+ blogs a week trying to help all that is distress other than myself, I found a site tonight that posted not only my site but everyone I know and much more.

The link is http://t-central.blogspot.com/ A comprehensive listing of Trans-Related Bloggers and News Sites.

Omg that is one lengthily site of sites, now I will never sleep. There are way too many people in dire need of my words and shoulder to cry on, better get me a bigger towel to wipe the tears for them.
I also read the queer news, the LGBT for teens, Chocolate blog, makeup and styles blogs, omg shoes blogs, which leaves me with technology as well. So you see I am a very busy person who really needs to shuck off my wings soon, or put back on my special jacket with the tying sleeves.

As I end this little tid bit of a post, I just would like to say to each of you. Life is a journey for all of us, and in it's path we have detours and hazards that only we can bring us back to that path, I believe in adventure that is how I got here today and began sharing some really incredible stories to each and everyone of you.

You see my journey will end one day, but I will come back and help who ever needs me to get them back on track.

Live life to it's fullest and don't look back, we are here for a reason so have fun. That is all I ask of you.

Good night

Gift of tears

I am going to share something which I haven't shared since writing my book, it makes me cry horribly but it cleanses me as well. Which I really need sometimes and only she can do it.

My mother always said I was a special child, not only because of the difference that is inside my body because I love everyone. That I show love and I care about them, something few people actually do but I know a few, she would be proud that I found these people.

It was her and I against the whole world when she was alive, oh boy did we have the good times and the bad times too. She sang that song you and me against the world from Helen Reddy. I will tell you she was my hero, someone I looked up to. My mother, sure miss her so very much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

Be prepared, trust me when I say this, for as I reread it the tears began again but I wanted to share this one thing with my readers and friends. It isn't always about me, it is about everyone but she found her way here because I found her tape. (you'll understand later)

I was working for a auto parts store making $3.50 hour, going to college and sleeping in my car because I was too poor to afford a place of my own. I would visit my mom everyday while she was in the hospital, you see my mom had throat cancer so the doctors surgically extracted her larynx and left her with a hole instead but it lasted for about 18 months, during that time I took her home she didn't want to die in a hospital. This hospital was the very one I was born at but trust me I wouldn't want to die there either. I rewired that thing she used to talk like a robot, it was too quiet and she now sounded like a normal voice somewhat but it was better than a robot.
She loved it, mom always had the best I would see to it.

So I drove her home and waited on her, sat by her bed day and night this was after all my mother. She would ask where I was living and I would tell her a white lie, I never wanted her to worry about me. {excuse me a moment I have a crying spell here} She had enough to worry about and me to tell her the truth would send her over the edge. She lost her beautiful voice, but earlier in my life I recorded her talking actually scolding me and then talking, but it was to remember her always.

{excuse me again another crying spell here}Where was I?

Mom had to go back to the hospital, she wasn't eating right, so I was given some nasty liquid named ensure that she could keep her strength up. As the months went on it was work, mom, school, mom and I stayed with her then but she was getting worse. She wouldn't drink that ensure, so I would buy her shakes and put protein powder in it to keep her strength up. She was a smoker, she smoked till the day she died and she drank too, vodka, she said the pain was less so I let her do it. I didn't want her to be sick anymore, watching her suffer hurt me so much but there was nothing I could do to lessen the pain.

I ended up bringing her back to the hospital, god I hated that place.

It was in August, two weeks from my birthday I would be 23. Mom said to me she was dying, I would tell her no you are alright the doctors are doing all they can and she would say "listen honey, you have to understand I am dying". I just wouldn't listen to her, I didn't want to hear that, after all not only was she my mother she was my best friend too.


Mother had me sit close she wanted to tell me something, so I lean in close to her, she whispered "I have something for your birthday." I smiled and said you don't have to give me anything, I have you Mom that's all I want. Mom went on to say that what she was to give me something you couldn't find it in a store, you had to earn it and it will always be mine because it would never grow old or outdated. I couldn't understand what she was explaining to me, till much later.

Now I would visit her twice a day to be sure she was alright, I was told to stay home one day and rest and with that I did. I didn't like that much but she asked me to stay home and rest.

My younger brother came to my work the next morning, people were looking for me I asked what heavens for, he said something is wrong with mom.

How could that be I asked, I only took one day off, like she asked me to. He wanted to drive but I did instead, my younger brother stands 6'3 and is built like a building, when I said I will drive with the look in my eye he backed down. We were at the hospital in less than 5 minutes, a 20 minute drive.

As he and I approached the nursing station going to her room, 2 orderlies stood in my path, my brother said to them, not here that is our mother. I was allowed to pass without an incident. I walked into her room and there she laid blood on the wall, she had a terrible death, she had a cardiac arrest which the nurses hadn't even cleaned up but I didn't notice it till later, you see I thought she was sleeping and I got into the bed to hold her while she slept.

It was six days to my birthday and her dying was was my present.

{crying again sorry}

She didn't want to see me suffering and worrying about her no more, my mother wanted me to be happy and carry on and become the person we had always discussed which I am doing now.

When she laid in my arms I was rocking her just as she had when I was a baby, here was my mother asleep in my arms. My brother tried to get me to let go, and eventually I did but I don't remember that actually it took me three weeks to cry, I went into shock.

I wrote her eulogy just as she asked me to, which I still have somewhere.

The one thing she was so proud of me was I was good to people, not to pat myself on the back here, I would try to help anyone if I could and that very day when she died before I got there, I wanted nothing more than to see she was comfortable and her baby was there with her. You see I was momma's girl or boy, depends on who ever you talk to in the family.

I miss her so much, it has been 24 years since I seen her. I visit her urn every chance I get, sometimes more than ever just to be by her side and cleanses myself.

I believe it now when she said she would give me a gift like no other and you know what she did.


I love you too Mom.




*this took box of tissue and 8 hours to write and was worth every tear.

Intersex and the rebirth

So I was talking to my little sister and brothers regarding my GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery), and the time frame and why not now.

I guess you can say that I received the short straw when I was born but I can not get angry at anyone in particular, it just happen and that is where medicine and science will work together and make my girl parts work correctly and the appearance will be right. I really do not want the hysterectomy since the hormones I am receiving is from there so it wouldn't be right to take it out.
So why is my time frame four and half years? I would scheduled it now if I could afford it, but this can not be financed like a home or car, even though it is as important as such but if I fail to pay on it do they repossess my vagina?

I have one letter already from my therapist though I have to have another which wouldn't be an issue. For all of you who do not understand the procedures to the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association.

I try to justify that I am the same as all my girl friends out here, but let's face it I am a bit different and that is alright, either way you look at it I earned my right to be the whole woman. I have no problems having what I have but it sure doesn't look pretty when I am in a bathing suit or while I shower, a constant reminder. Also make my GYN visits easier too? Kind of awkward seeing me in them stirrups, though I have done it for so many years, it is second nature to me.

I was diagnosed my third visit with my therapist with GID (Gender Identity Disorder), she seen it that so many people just assumed I was normal, there was a woman looking her in the eyes and she smiled and said " Hello Shauna, it is alright it is safe here", I sat down and began shaking uncontrollably while I cried because someone could see through my mask, how could anyone do that I lived like this for forty some years? I was great at hiding, my mother taught me well but she seen Shauna in my eyes.
Maybe my guard was down, living two lives will take a toll on you believe me I had slipped quite a few times but always made a joke out of it and it was assumed that it was on purpose. Protecting your identity is a life achievement I was very good at, I was in every account a man till I was home behind the doors and walls of safety.

Oh, I have heard from women how I am a handsome man, that may be so but have you seen the woman in me, she is absolutely gorgeous and the warmest personality you have ever met. I live two lives, one behind the other we actually blend into each other, Shawn is the strength and Shauna is the personality together we are a team, without the other I probably would have cracked a long time ago.

My plans for surgery are as follows, scalp surgery I have my father's hairline, better than having that nasty hair that covers his whole body yuk. I thought maybe my nose wasn't pretty enough but was told by many that all my features are all feminine, I don't even have an Adams apple or the brow bone men have. So scalp and GRS are the only surgeries I have planned, then I will be a woman on the outside as well.

As my sister and I were chatting I said "I need to learn to carry a purse" because if I don't my new VaJJ will become a pocket, we both had a laugh after that.

Life is good :)

Now below is the operation, the actual footage so it may be somewhat gross

Happy New Year 2009

As the midnight hour creeps up on me I realized how loved I am from not just my friends and family, there are people I never knew who comment that care. This new year will bring so much sunshine into each of our lives, not right away but soon and we will feel the warmth which we all deserve.

This afternoon I had a doctors visit, I am pain free now and I can continue my transition, the scare is over and the cyst that caused the scare has diminished to just a slight bump thank goodness for prayers and pills.

I am going to make a visit with my family just before the midnight hour, say hello, grab a bite to eat and toast them a new year and return home. My brother LB put it best, karma is where I have always been good to everyone, I lend an ear or a shoulder and one day it will be repaid hopefully in full.
Less than 20 minutes till the new year slips in and I am fighting a cold and trying desperately to stay awake.
I spent a couple hours over at my aunts watching everyone play guitar hero, and I was wrestling the dog which is a German Shepard, I made a friend tonight and he wore me out plus I will have a half doze bruises he left on my body. As the family played cards and knocked my uncle and myself out of the game we were watching Dick Clark on the TV. I gathered my father and drove home while my stepmother took her mom home, it is 15 minutes to the hour.
As I sit here I am bringing in the New Year with all of you. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

""HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009 EVERYONE!!!!!""
I am so looking forward to this new year much more than any of you could ever know ......Love ya!