My time and I am ready!!

So the year is 2012 a new year and I have moved from Virginia to Illinois, actually this was more for my moral than anything. I could have stayed in Virginia to finish the Chemo process, live in a small bedroom and not be Shauna for another 4 months but would I be happy, I think not.

My younger brother packed up the trailer on Wednesday, even though he did not want me to leave. I guess I hurt him in a way but I never want to be a burden to anyone, he was absolutely my savor during the radiation and chemo sessions when I was burned beyond recognition the radiation was terrible, he applied the soothing lotion daily so I could heal. Also the chemo prevented me from eating (losing 48 pounds), I would get nauseous which I refused to eat for fear of getting sick. He would stand over me, tell me to drink the Ensure or protein shakes that help me get my calories back. I will never be able to thank him enough for all he had done and I truly love my brother.

He accepted me long ago for deciding to let the woman live instead of the man in me, he has known for a very long time, and waited for the day I said enough is enough. Even though he will miss his older brother he now has welcomed his older sister.

So with the trailer packed and ready on Thursday, my girlfriend Lu came to help and make sure I didn't drive more than I needed. Shawn would have driven the full 15 hours without sleeping and Lu knows what to say to him to get him to do whats right. Shawn argues with me on most things, I never get my way unless I stand up to him. Weird huh talking about my other spirit but I have two and one is male and I am the female.

Some transition normally, hormones, dressing and the operation. I have a series of things that I do in real life, medical issues from being a woman inside, I get a period am in pre menopause because the chemo altered my body. I deal with depression on a daily basis since I was 11 by pretending I am not me. It helps from the suicide thoughts that it would be easier to lay in a box then trend this line of genders. But if you know me, I don't believe in the easy way out. So I deal.

Lu and I arrived Friday at the new place and it was just too dark to unpack, so we stayed in a hotel for the night to waken to moving the next day. Spending time out doors I realized I wouldn't be able to help so I was told to stay in, the air was too cold for my breathing. I had both my male friends and my girlfriend doing my move, I wanted to help but just couldn't. Instead I started unpacking which helped the move process. I love my friends and I know they love me.

I did what I could and took them out for lunch afterwards, it was wonderful to see them again and more than ever as Shauna, not as Shawn. They accept me for who I am, and that alone is priceless.

On Sunday my parents invited me and Lu over for dinner, they wanted to meet her and I finally got to see my sister and my nieces. Also dropped off all the crap my younger brother gave my father, what a mess.

On Monday Lu and I spent time together, she is headed back home and I will miss her again til she returns. I get a kick out of her kissing the top of my bald head, the little hairs poking out for attention. Watching her leave isn't the most pleasant site but I understand and soon we will be back together but for now it will be in secondlife for now.

Tuesday I stay home unpacking, there is so much but I do have three walk in closets and an extra bedroom. Also I have 2 male pants, 2 male shirts and one pair of unisex shoes for work, all else is feminine attire and I now dress 100% female.

Even without hair I am me, not that hair makes or breaks a female, some women I have met in chemo were gorgeous without hair and people have said my head makes it possible to look fantastic without hair. I have lost it twice since starting chemo, but it always grows back and oh so soft and pretty.

I am stronger with no pain, though I still have the tumor, it is residing on my spine shrinking with each treatment waiting to be surgically removed. I will have three very important surgeries in my life to make me whole again, they are scheduled and then I will be me. The first is the tumor, it has to come out so not to have it grow and take my precious life from me before I get to enjoy life again. The second is to match my insides to the outside, I know god made me different for a reason it may of been educating but I want this just to feel whole. And the third is cosmetic my breasts are too small for my liking, as I said to my girlfriend I could live with what I was given but just the extra cup will make clothes fit correctly and I find them to be pretty on me not on others.

The place has 2 bedrooms, 1 full bath and 2 powder rooms, full eat in kitchen and a great living room. I went shopping for food, prepared beef stew and was hoping Greg my best friend would come have dinner but the snow prevented that, another time I guess. I have made angel pasta with a garlic clam sauce for dinner, the stew will be for tomorrow (Wednesday and Thursday). On Friday I prepared a salad, it was all I needed.

Friday we had a white out, it snowed to the point I didn't leave the parking lot, I parked my truck and decided it was safer inside, tomorrow is another day. My younger sister called to help her with her laptop and my father calls now to get me to help him with his new laptop. He wants poker and slots on it so he can learn how to use it. I need to find the poker software. My father whom I love dearly has always made my life harder than what I should have lived, he never understood what happen to his oldest child, his first born son/daughter. For years he would torment me about being feminine. Now with the cancer he is more loving and caring though I am still afraid of the verbal assaults I welcome the love. I guess we all can change but why does it take tragically to do it? I will go to my parents house today and set him up.

Saturday morning I am dressed in American Eagle low rise jeans, a very pretty pink turtle neck sweater, armed with my pushup bra I am feeling wonderful. For the rest of my attire, my new Burlington ladies winter coat, pink and purple scarf, and to cover my hairless head a pink stocking cap. With my lipstick to prevent chapping. I am putting on my black Ugg boots to protect my feet from the elements and hopefully the world will see Shauna in all her glory fitting in to society.

I have to share something in me to all of you, I am experiencing something I never ever thought possible and will bring it up with my therapist. I am feeling an emotional value for men, not sexually but the cuddling state and kissing. In second life I have met quite a few that I also brought back to my real life keeping in touch with them. I believe the hormones finally have triggered that part in me and it is frightening. So I will be bringing this up with Deb, my therapist. I need to know what I can do, how to handle this emotional crisis, the new chapter in my life.

I am home finally, to live my life as I have dreamed for so long and hoping Shawn will allow me to do so without hassles. I have hid behind the mirror watching and waiting for my chance and it is now. Shawn refuses to be in the mirror but it is the only place he can be without interrupting my life.

Fair is fair Shawn, you yourself said it was my time and I am ready.

Finally a job and a nightmare

It took more than twenty months in order to find work or for a company to give me a chance to prove myself. It isn't how good your resume looks, or your references, even your background. The companies are so strict and picky that they pass over so my great people to find that special one they want. I interviewed with four hundred others all with the same background and some with more talent, Dell hired me. I believe it was my upbeat personality that won them over.

So I will begin work November 8th, and lord knows I am anxious. the orientation will be all day as expected with lunch paid for by the company. I am going through a background security check as I type this.

The trip

My brother and I decided to visit my folks and also me visit the dentist, I had chipped a tooth that needed fixing badly (dentist said if I didn't come as I did, I would need a root canal). So we left Virginia 6:30 pm for Chicago to avoid the rush hour traffic, little did LB (my brother) know we would hit the heart of it in Maryland.
We sat in traffic for little over an hour and a half talking about the trip and when I was to take over the driving, all went quite well other than his top speeds of 90+ an hour which upset me, what was the damn hurry to drive like that in the mountains. I started driving from Breezeway PA, which was very pleasant, LB slept and I concentrated on the road which it was extremely dark. A truck had hit a raccoon and he was partially alive when he was in my path, I could not avoid him to save him for I would have hit an upcoming vehicle in my left and right lane. I felt miserable and still do because I hit it. In Indiana, I got caught up with traffic and was speeding, my radar detector didn't go off till I was in front of the police car that was hidden in the night (no lights or anything to show his car) he got me going 74 in a 70, and I explained to him I have never had anything on my record for 30 years. He gave me the citation for $150.00, now that was a jerk.

I proceeded to the next service station for gas and to switch with LB, I was too pissed to drive now. Before the trip LB and I agreed he would pay the gas which I would split later with him, I took care of the tolls which were $52.80 round trip.

Lb gotten lost somewhere in Indiana between 80/94 and ended up in Gary Indiana, now that was a scary trip, two white people driving through the early morning hours looking for the highway. We finally pulled up behind my old house at 6:30am, it had taken us 12 hours to get there.

My parents woke up to find us in my truck waiting for them, we are to stay at their house. I haven't slept in their home since I was 16 years old so this will feel strange. The visit was good because I had time to spend with my friends, while the family went gambling which I could not afford. I brought $300.00 with me for the dinners with friends and the dentist bill.
The dental bill was $315.00, I gave him $250.00 with a promise to pay off the rest when I start working, he knows I am good for it. I also told him that he is MY dentist, I will fly to have my teeth fixed by him, he is that good.
That evening I had a friend realign my spine, she is a massage therapist which has worked on me for the past 8 years. I work on her computers and she works on me, so no charge.
LB and I are leaving in the early morning, 3:30 am he wakes me for the trip home. I start the driving out of Chicago and somewhere around 80/94, I end up in Michigan. Both of us were awake when it happen and yet we have no idea what happen. For an hour I drove with my GPS trying to find I80. We eventually drove to the highway though we gotten to see the back roads of the farms in Mich (Niles). Nothing exciting from that point on, we arrive home around 4 pm, unload my truck and unwind.
During the trip home I had received calls from all my friends to be sure I was alright and they had said maybe we can get together for a longer visit next time.
Then my father called, not to see if we made it but to ask me one insulting question that would end all our conversations from that time forward.

Father: Let me ask you a question?
Me: Ok dad go for it.
Father: Did you take $250.00 from the envelope in the silverware draw?
Me: No dad, I didn't. Why would you ask that?
Father: Don't lie to me BOY!!
Me: Listen I have my own money I wouldn't take yours, I don't steal from no one.
Father: I had $4200.00 in there and $250.00 is missing, you took it!!
Me: I never took it and you are so wrong for accusing me for such, this conversation is done..I hung up on him.

That evening I wrote him an email, through my step mom's email account.

Dad,

You are a very pathetic asshole in my eyes, accuse me of stealing from you. The years of torment you apply to me in everything I do or have done, towards my dead mother, even now that I no longer live there. You will not be able to call me ever, your phone number is no longer able to call my phone.

I can see Paul stealing from you but not me, I have never took anything from you or anyone for that matter. So for you to ask me the question and then say "Don't lie to you" OMG you are an asshole in my eyes. All the years I bought alcohol and cigarettes, never charged you a dime for the gas and ALWAYS gave you your change.

Even after you find out where your money is, don't talk to me, don't apologize because I don't give a shit.


Shawn

So that is my trip from hell, and now I am getting ready for my job. That will be the one thing that will make me extremely happy and get on with my new life. I am saving for my VJJ :)

A huge step in the right direction

Well its official, I lost the house I have totally rebuilt. I purchased the house for 110000 and invested another $60000 into it over 9 years. Now Freddie Mac owns it, I don't blame them because jobs are scarce. So I packed everything I wanted and sold what I really didn't want to carry. Sofa and love seat, coffee table (wood) bedroom suite consisting of 5 pieces. Treadmill, and so much more just so I didn't carry it. Also all my dishes, glasses, pots and pans whatever was there is gone.

Where did I go from there, drove 728 miles east to Virginia where my brother and wife said I can start over.

Starting over which is described as I progress with work, then I can continue my transition it has been 17 months since I had my last estrogen pill. The shots haven't started here yet but I am due for one. I will plan that this week. So now I am settled somewhat, new house, new rules and a bed to lay my head.

My brother LB, brought me to a junkyard that had a tire and rim (needed a spare tire) and it cost $100 after we returned home we were talking and decided I will buy the other tires which are in better shape than the ones on my truck each would be $35, looking them up they are worth $188 each so all in all a great deal. The truck they took the wheels off was T-boned in an accident. Hardly ever used and has the rubber nipples still on them.

My brother, his wife Faith and I went to Ocean City for the labor day weekend, the beach was stunning and the water was ice cold. Did get to see some dolphin's swimming which was truly breathtaking. Everything is tanned as it should be and the only place burnt was my forehead, aloe will correct that. Didn't remove my shirt, even though I was in male mode, my breasts are quite noticeable and didn't want to be embarrassed.

So tomorrow I will continue to look for work, it looks promising really just need to have strength and faith, someone will want me soon.

I will be updating this blog now that I am settled.

Happy Labor day everyone.

P.S.

Am a little homesick, but since I have no home now I will get over it.

Gift of tears

I am going to share something which I haven't shared since writing my book, it makes me cry horribly but it cleanses me as well. Which I really need sometimes and only she can do it.

My mother always said I was a special child, not only because of the difference that is inside my body because I love everyone. That I show love and I care about them, something few people actually do but I know a few, she would be proud that I found these people.

It was her and I against the whole world when she was alive, oh boy did we have the good times and the bad times too. She sang that song you and me against the world from Helen Reddy. I will tell you she was my hero, someone I looked up to. My mother, sure miss her so very much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

Be prepared, trust me when I say this, for as I reread it the tears began again but I wanted to share this one thing with my readers and friends. It isn't always about me, it is about everyone but she found her way here because I found her tape. (you'll understand later)

I was working for a auto parts store making $3.50 hour, going to college and sleeping in my car because I was too poor to afford a place of my own. I would visit my mom everyday while she was in the hospital, you see my mom had throat cancer so the doctors surgically extracted her larynx and left her with a hole instead but it lasted for about 18 months, during that time I took her home she didn't want to die in a hospital. This hospital was the very one I was born at but trust me I wouldn't want to die there either. I rewired that thing she used to talk like a robot, it was too quiet and she now sounded like a normal voice somewhat but it was better than a robot.
She loved it, mom always had the best I would see to it.

So I drove her home and waited on her, sat by her bed day and night this was after all my mother. She would ask where I was living and I would tell her a white lie, I never wanted her to worry about me. {excuse me a moment I have a crying spell here} She had enough to worry about and me to tell her the truth would send her over the edge. She lost her beautiful voice, but earlier in my life I recorded her talking actually scolding me and then talking, but it was to remember her always.

{excuse me again another crying spell here}Where was I?

Mom had to go back to the hospital, she wasn't eating right, so I was given some nasty liquid named ensure that she could keep her strength up. As the months went on it was work, mom, school, mom and I stayed with her then but she was getting worse. She wouldn't drink that ensure, so I would buy her shakes and put protein powder in it to keep her strength up. She was a smoker, she smoked till the day she died and she drank too, vodka, she said the pain was less so I let her do it. I didn't want her to be sick anymore, watching her suffer hurt me so much but there was nothing I could do to lessen the pain.

I ended up bringing her back to the hospital, god I hated that place.

It was in August, two weeks from my birthday I would be 23. Mom said to me she was dying, I would tell her no you are alright the doctors are doing all they can and she would say "listen honey, you have to understand I am dying". I just wouldn't listen to her, I didn't want to hear that, after all not only was she my mother she was my best friend too.


Mother had me sit close she wanted to tell me something, so I lean in close to her, she whispered "I have something for your birthday." I smiled and said you don't have to give me anything, I have you Mom that's all I want. Mom went on to say that what she was to give me something you couldn't find it in a store, you had to earn it and it will always be mine because it would never grow old or outdated. I couldn't understand what she was explaining to me, till much later.

Now I would visit her twice a day to be sure she was alright, I was told to stay home one day and rest and with that I did. I didn't like that much but she asked me to stay home and rest.

My younger brother came to my work the next morning, people were looking for me I asked what heavens for, he said something is wrong with mom.

How could that be I asked, I only took one day off, like she asked me to. He wanted to drive but I did instead, my younger brother stands 6'3 and is built like a building, when I said I will drive with the look in my eye he backed down. We were at the hospital in less than 5 minutes, a 20 minute drive.

As he and I approached the nursing station going to her room, 2 orderlies stood in my path, my brother said to them, not here that is our mother. I was allowed to pass without an incident. I walked into her room and there she laid blood on the wall, she had a terrible death, she had a cardiac arrest which the nurses hadn't even cleaned up but I didn't notice it till later, you see I thought she was sleeping and I got into the bed to hold her while she slept.

It was six days to my birthday and her dying was was my present.

{crying again sorry}

She didn't want to see me suffering and worrying about her no more, my mother wanted me to be happy and carry on and become the person we had always discussed which I am doing now.

When she laid in my arms I was rocking her just as she had when I was a baby, here was my mother asleep in my arms. My brother tried to get me to let go, and eventually I did but I don't remember that actually it took me three weeks to cry, I went into shock.

I wrote her eulogy just as she asked me to, which I still have somewhere.

The one thing she was so proud of me was I was good to people, not to pat myself on the back here, I would try to help anyone if I could and that very day when she died before I got there, I wanted nothing more than to see she was comfortable and her baby was there with her. You see I was momma's girl or boy, depends on who ever you talk to in the family.

I miss her so much, it has been 24 years since I seen her. I visit her urn every chance I get, sometimes more than ever just to be by her side and cleanses myself.

I believe it now when she said she would give me a gift like no other and you know what she did.


I love you too Mom.




*this took box of tissue and 8 hours to write and was worth every tear.

Happy New Year 2009

As the midnight hour creeps up on me I realized how loved I am from not just my friends and family, there are people I never knew who comment that care. This new year will bring so much sunshine into each of our lives, not right away but soon and we will feel the warmth which we all deserve.

This afternoon I had a doctors visit, I am pain free now and I can continue my transition, the scare is over and the cyst that caused the scare has diminished to just a slight bump thank goodness for prayers and pills.

I am going to make a visit with my family just before the midnight hour, say hello, grab a bite to eat and toast them a new year and return home. My brother LB put it best, karma is where I have always been good to everyone, I lend an ear or a shoulder and one day it will be repaid hopefully in full.
Less than 20 minutes till the new year slips in and I am fighting a cold and trying desperately to stay awake.
I spent a couple hours over at my aunts watching everyone play guitar hero, and I was wrestling the dog which is a German Shepard, I made a friend tonight and he wore me out plus I will have a half doze bruises he left on my body. As the family played cards and knocked my uncle and myself out of the game we were watching Dick Clark on the TV. I gathered my father and drove home while my stepmother took her mom home, it is 15 minutes to the hour.
As I sit here I am bringing in the New Year with all of you. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

""HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009 EVERYONE!!!!!""
I am so looking forward to this new year much more than any of you could ever know ......Love ya!