Ending all the sorrow

The easy way away from this mess I call life is suicide, take my life out of this sorry place we call earth. Since not working anymore I haven't been able to pay my mortgage, hardly pay my bills and not able to continue with transitioning. What a $%cked up mess.

Suicide sounds too easy and the people I will hurt in this process is something I can not do, I would rather suffer fate than hurt my friends and family. I will probably end up on the streets til I find work again, this isn't my first time living on the streets but I never thought it would be like this again. This recession is really hurting everything.

I hear people complaining about their jobs and you know what I wish I had their job I will never complain because I will finally be working.

When I was working I had everything, the best electronic toys, directv, satellite radio, fast internet, new clothes and kept my truck clean. My parents loved what I did for them, I gave them internet, new computers and printers, directv, cell phones and satellite radio which I paid for everything.
Then I got laid off, I had enough funds to pay 10 months of my mortgage payments and bills after that I would be in trouble. I lost the directv and satellite radio first and all hell broke loose because I couldn't pay their bill, my stepmother chewed me out over not being able to pay for these things. So she called Directv and had the service turned on in her name but refused to turn it on for me. The cell phones were a family plan that too was changed. I lost all respect from them because I couldn't pay their bill anymore. I was used and kicked to the curb because I no longer could give them their toys. I also was frowned upon when I came out to the world being a woman. My brothers and sister had open arms, my aunts, uncles and cousins all accepted me but the two people whom I call my parents shunned me.

When I was 16 years old, I attempted suicide, swallowed alot of pills wanting to end the knowledge of my intersex issue. I knew I was different, I was shown that and hiding was going to be a challenge so I assumed taking the pills would end that. Only thing is, I was hurting all who knew and loved me so I called an ambulance and rushed me to the hospital to pump my stomach and save my life. I didn't chicken out nor did I do it for attention, I only wanted peace which I never achieved.

My father was pissed and his new wife made me pay for the therapy sessions to find out why I did it. They knew why I did it but never accepted it. I was grounded, spanked and was to give all my earnings to pay the therapist bill.

So here I am 32 years later wanting to do it again, take out my life to relieve my suffering though I again will not do because of who I know and who love me.

Yes I am poor but I am rich with love and friendships, and suicide may be a way out but not for this lady for I am tougher than that.

how common are we to you

I was reading this morning as I always do which keeps me up to date with the happenings of our growing community. A story which involved a young Indian girl who tried committing suicide because she was different. We all are different more so than others but she has Intersex. Reading that story unleashed a mess of emotions that I cried for a very long time as the pools of tears swelled up and wondered why people have to be mean to us, why? The story is on a site I go to because I have it too, http://intersexnews.blogspot.com/2009/01/punishing-difference.html, why it is that we as the human species can not get along with other boggles me. She is the female version of me, we have the same chromosomes and Ovetestes, we share the testosterone difference that is rejected.

All I would like to know is why, why we are subjected to ridicule all the time. A child with downs syndrome isn't put to shame, a person who is blinded at birth never hears the words we hear, so what difference? What is it that makes people stop and stare, whisper ugly words because we are Intersex. Do you think we wanted to be born this way?

INTERSEX and the different types

Not XX and not XY 1 in 1,666 births
Klinefelter (XXY) 1 in 1,000 births

Androgen insensitivity syndrome 1 in 13,000 births

Partial androgen insensitivity syndrome 1 in 130,000 births

Classical congenital adrenal hyperplasia 1 in 13,000 births

Late onset adrenal hyperplasia 1 in 66 individuals

Vaginal agenesis 1 in 6,000 births (1)

Ovotestes 1 in 83,000 births

Idiopathic (no discernible medical cause) 1 in 110,000 births

Iatrogenic (caused by medical treatment,

for instance progestin administered to pregnant mother) no estimate

5 alpha reductase deficiency no estimate

Mixed gonadal dysgenesis no estimate

Complete gonadal dysgenesis 1 in 150,000 births

Hypospadias (urethral opening in perineum or along penile shaft) 1 in 2,000 births

Hypospadias (urethral opening between corona and tip of glans penis) 1 in 770 births

Total number of people whose bodies differ from standard male or female 1 in100 births

Total number of people receiving surgery to "normalize" genital appearance 1 or 2 in 1,000 births


I see now after all these years why my mother kept me a secret.

My Tradional Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a tradition spent with loving families around the globe, turkey, stuffing, vegetables of every kind, sweet potatoes and cranberries (the ham wasn't part of the meal this year).


The afternoon started perfectly playing with my beautiful nieces, oh they are so full of happiness and spirit that they bring into the home is so truly unbelievable you would love to be near them. Sometimes life does pass you by if you let it, so here with them I try to make the minutes count.

As I sit on the sofa with my niece, we chat a bit and my step mom hands me her cell phone, my younger brother is calling to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving, he lives on the east coast and I am sure he misses being home. Later in the evening the youngest son calls as well to do the same.

Dinner is prepared and all the family is ready for their meal, as each one lines up to the long counter to get what they desire and head towards the table to eat. The food is scrumptious and the talk is wonderful, each of us get a scratch lottery card to see if there is a instant win or not. This time I didn't win, but my uncle and I did the following years. As each of us wind down from the food in our bellies, I have one cousin passing out from turkey coma and my nieces are out as well taking their naps.
Good wine and laughter shows we have a heartfelt home which is why I love my family so very much, even if I am the the oddity I am still loved for who I am.

We mingle amongst each other talking of unemployment and the crisis, and the new fad, Couponing, share each others secrets and success who saved the most from their large purchases. It is really exciting to listen to the fun of cutting out coupons and using a calculator to see how much more can be saved. I have gotten involved, first with food.

My father ruins my day, he is such an ass sometimes. He keeps provoking me to say something in regards of my transitioning. Like I should be poking anything that moves and I should be f&*$ing that one, why can't I be more like him. Ah dad I do not want to be like you, I never have whether I am a man or woman. Then he tries to get my cousins involved with how I am gay and I want to spoon with my cousin, at that point I leave. I just go home, why should my day be ruin because he is a very irritable man that enjoys seeing someone else be in pain or unhappy.

So off to my house I go, actually they are next door so I go into my house for a bit to wrap the cake I had baked for my family. Cry a little bit and ask god why does my dad have to be this way? I smoke a cigarette, drink a cup of coffee check my email and gather the things that are needed for my family.

As I walk back to their house he is on the deck, I believe he has been drinking and he is very obnoxious which I blow up right away because lets face it he has said some terrible things. I call him an asshole and to F off, which I state for him to not even talk to me if you are going to be rude. My father has become the biggest ass through the years towards me, even before I transitioned. He has always made fun of me, calling me sis or sissy, or he isn't a man and things a father should have never called his child. So much hatred poured down upon me that sometimes I wish he wasn't my father but I never was given that choice, he was my dad.

I do show my father respect, don't get me wrong. I do everything I can to make his life easier since he is 74 years old and this is how it is repaid to me. He should ask my other brothers to help, wait a minute they all have their own lives to live. Well I just ignore him at this point, he is not going to ruin my family day because he is drunk and rude.

So inside the house we are back to couponing and heading to CVS for free items that uses care free bucks ( care free bucks is money that is spent on items and you get money back to be used on any product), as we are shopping I am nervous this is my first time doing this at CVS but I am getting things I need. Makeup and lipstick, nail polish to cover all and shampoo and conditioner. How grand to be involved in the Shauna family shopping. So here I spent $21.76 and received my care bucks 18.44 back which is actually used for the purchases I just bought. In the end I broke even and achieved 21.76 in products for free.

The best part of the whole shopping spree is I was with my younger sister Amy, who is beautiful by the way and smarter than I. If I could be beautiful or even pretty, I would want to be her. She is the one person I believe that is my hero, a mother of two which an education to take on the world and by god she is absolutely gorgeous. That was my highlight of the afternoon, shopping with my younger sister and family members.

I went back home with my prize savings, applied makeup and little lip gloss which I headed back to see if anyone will notice my makeup, it was quite funny having full conversations and people looking you in the eye and nothing was asked. I have a natural look to me while wearing makeup and I blend right in.

As the family winds down to dessert and snacks, my nieces arise crabby and crying, omg the pitch of a scream can be heard a couple blocks away and the hair stood up on my neck. One has a sore cheek and the smallest is mommas girl whom you couldn't part her from her mom not even with a crowbar.
The family room is hustling with Texas holdem being setup for the traditional card game which I have played 3 different times losing the twenty dollars each time, (do you know what I can purchase for 20 dollars and some coupons? LOL)

My uncle was saying he had shoulder nipples and the look on my face was priceless, what the heck is a shoulder nipple I had inquired and he went on to explain it is when you use a hanger to hang your clothes and this is the effect it gives. In the mean time my brother in law asked didn't I grow shoulder nipples and I squeezed my left breast and said nope, these are growing naturally which he turned bright red and walked out of the room.

My cousin Tara won first place in cards, as my nieces were making ornaments for Christmas and playing sweetly together. Mother, grandmother and great grandmother helping the girls with the crafts which I experienced 4 generations before me ah what a wonderful family.

So as I prepared to make my exit, I kissed each of my nieces, said my goodbyes, grabbed 3 pieces of my non frosting cake and walked to my house. As much as I love the traditional Thanksgiving with family there are parts of it that can be left out and it wound be the most beautiful celebration any girl would want.


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Now playing: Maroon 5 - Everyday People
via FoxyTunes
That is how I spent November 27, 2008 with family