Whats the Big Deal?

Why is it such a big deal of coming out?

I am my own person that would love the support of family and friends but if they aren't in tune then I will look like some type of fagot that wishes to wear womens clothes.

Coming out to my step mother was the hardest things I have ever done, the cold stone look she gave me was the type of look that makes people stay in the closet.

I will never forget it nor what she said when she did it. Why can't you just be gay, I don't want you parading around my work with your dress on.


??? What, have I already done this?

For over thirty five years I have worn female clothes, no one said a thing, even my ex's never said one word. Every pair of jeans, tops and underwear are female.

I made the bold statement, I am out of the closet and I am perceived as a fairy wearing womens clothes.

Who are you to judge me?

I am the same person you knew a minute ago yet the wrapper changed so that changed me?

I will tell you, it doesn't matter what you say or how you judge me. I am happy to be alive and where I can make the decision to make things right no matter the costs or who's heart I break.

It took almost a year for my stepmother to accept me, I would have cared less because I don't live my life for others.

Accept me for who I am not how I dress, or what I look like. I am a human, a person with deep feelings for others, listening is what I do best because I do care.

Everyday since I was eleven I have struggled with not being 100% female, 78% doesn't cut it because now as I sit typing this out I try to make things right. Some say I am lucky to be female inside, that it makes it easier to transition but they are so wrong. I have to be watched over medically for many diseases that women face.

Transitioning is the same for all of us, some have the funding which makes it easier, others are like me where a little goes a long way but all in all, we are the same.

So don't let others judge you because you are who you are, lets face it, everyone is different because they just are. My stepmother has struggled with her weight since I was 12 years old, she has the body of a pear but I don't make remarks about her and believe me I could come up with some really great fat jokes.

Just live your lives the way you intended to, and if someone snickers or makes remarks, ignore them.

Life is too short to hide someone so sweet.

What defines OUT?

How stupid had I become thinking since I was completely out to my family and friends, I was "OUT".

That isn't what out is, and I am now aware I am only part time which is upsetting.

I guess looking now at the situation at hand there is 2 types of out, one is letting everyone know you are either gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. While there are girls and boys living in the world as that out gender. Unlike myself I am out as a transsexual woman but I am living part time as my male self. I do not wear makeup, all the time or accessories. I haven't worn dresses or skirts, not even a pant suit only low rise female jeans and tunics, sweaters or sweatshirts. I do wear the appropriate attire when I do speakings and speeches.

Even though my wardrobe is all female, I have no male clothes, maybe men shoes but I wear female attire 24 hours a day, hair is in feminine style, everything I have in my life now is feminine. I apply makeup once in awhile.

I live full time as a female but I am not completely out. Employers and clients do not know of Shauna, my grandmother doesn't know as well as a couple neighbors.

I am so embarrassed for thinking I was completely out, how could I be so naive and not realize this. One of my straight friends pointed it out that I was still male even though I dressed in female jeans and tops which made me upset, felt foolish and then I cried.

How did I fool myself into thinking this?

Then I realized what I did, you see I have been rushing, rushing into being the woman in me for so many years, wanting so badly to be her and this has got to stop. I have a set date on living full time, the same time my name changes legally to Shauna. I had said in the beginning of my transition I would take my time, take each step like it was my first to experience life all over again as my true self.

With each visit to electrolysis (E) I am shedding all unwanted hair that seems to grow now, after all the years I am growing hair in places that never had hair so I am having it taken out forever. The hormones are helping to achieve what my natural hormones did not produce and it is such a wonderful sensation to feel my breasts growing though painful when bumped but all in all nature is developing me slowly into her. As my hair grows out on to my shoulders, I haven't worn my hair long in over 25 years. Pinning it back while reading or washing my face, or the constant pushing it back. I now am aware all the exciting things that are set forth in my life.
I am constantly worrying that my weight is all wrong, dieting to achieve the ideal weight has had me on tantrums of despair because it rises from no activity, though I watch what I consume it doesn't change the fact that I am still gaining weight. I have to use the gym more often and quit being a lazy Shawn.

This isn't fun and games, this is for real. I am totally changing my life from the inside out, and continuing to watch my health in this whole process, I can not afford to get ill anymore while in transition.
As I move forward in my baby steps to becoming a full time woman, I am achieving the greatest gift from all of this, I am being taught finally to be a woman slowly and in a mature way where dressing isn't like a twenty something year old. Funny how I had to change my thinking on dressing, everyday I must wear a bra so not to accidentally hit one of them which would cause stars to appear and a painful jolt of reality that I screwed up.

Spoke to my sister and explained I was frighten of what people would say to me being out, and she gave me a welcome call by stating"You should not worry of what people think, they will adjust as times moves forward. You need to think about your happiness and not everyone else around you!" She is right!

So today I am going window shopping as my female self with my straight male friend and just live life for me even if I am part time!

What types of education do Americans need to understand?

The NTAC.org and PSA.org has a commercial that should run here in the United States to help the uneducated people that don't understand why we are people just like them. I don't have the equipment to push this information over the air like other countries but I do publish what I feel is right. The society lives behind a curtain of male and just female because of organizations feeding them a line of misinformation which should be stopped. Here is the video that could very well start the education process.



Then you have places like New York and Illinois that are trying to make it simpler for the transgender community. See we aren't porn stars or freaks of any types. We are people just like you who wish to live our lives in the body and mind which is aligned perfectly. I can go on and on about what isn't right in my mind but there are many like me who just would like to see their lives be normal for them.

A new beginning

It is the first time in years I awoke to no pain, no blood and the feeling of a wonderful morning. Actually I thought I died, I asked myself is this what death is supposed to feel like I mean no pain total bliss. I realized I was just waking up, the morning was bright and the weather not as cold.
As I rolled out from under my duvet and ran to the bathroom I noticed no blood for a change, I cried it was so real knowing I am alive and healthy. Could it be, could I be on the path of being myself again. I really don't know for sure but I will enjoy this one healthy pain free day.
You know I do have many things I want to finish before I leave, and if I am ill I will force myself to finish what was given to me.

Returning your happiness...