What is happening in my life now...

I realize now that maybe my father never knew what had happen when I was born, nor my mother for that matter. As I was growing from my childhood till puberty I was a normal little boy I suppose, but all that was to change when I went to see the doctor and found my deformity of my gentials.
I just want to say I don't blame anyone but god for my mishap, nothing could have been done and now as an adult experiencing what I have I now know more which has explained so much of the whys and why nots.
No matter what I am still a beautiful person, whether I am either gender because that is who I am. I am at this time experiencing premenopause which is driving me crazy, one minute I am so happy and the next I am an emotional wreck. I have been so fatigued that I have to lay down to sleep because I get a head ache like no one can believe. My estrogen levels are changing, which can explain why I am now experiencing facial hair at 46, I never had to shave everyday in my whole life. I would have shave 3 times a month and it was very few hairs. (thanks to electrolsys and laser hair rmoval I will not be shaving anymore)
The testostrone is up there I believe but the estrogen is leveling off and that isn't what I want. I love being feminine, it is a part of me, it is what makes me happy. So as soon as I can afford it, I will have the doctor put me on HRT and remove my one testes.

So to say with all my blogs, I believe my father never knew or he sure played it off real well.

Love

Every time I write it is about me, god I hate that and that isn't why I write. This is about everyone I know and the others who aren't friends with me. The many who don't know what girls and boys go through each and everyday trying to fit in.
I wish the human race was as fore giving as the animal kingdom, there is no right or wrong, there is pure love for each other.
People hate, hate because they see things as black and white, hate people for truly describing how they feel and then someone dies for it.
Why do people hate each other so much? Maybe god needs to get involved and take something from them as they have taken from others.

I personally haven't laid a finger on anyone in my life, I believe in loving everyone because I believe that whatever you do to someone it will return to bite you in the ass ten fold.

Love is such a strong word and people are afraid of that.

Transgender, the description describes men and women changing themselves for who they believe they were born to be, but you have no idea what it really means?
Each of us are born as female it is proven medically even though you didn't know it, we all are transgender's, look into it prove the medical fields wrong and when you can't, think about the next transgender you strike down. Will it be your brother, your sister, your mom maybe your dad whoever it is we are all the same.

Love each other, that's all I ask, make this world a wonderful place to live and if you can't do that, keep your opinions to yourself.
Who are we that we can judge who lives and who dies, who are you to think god wants that?
Are you god, because there are prayers that need answering and you are wasting time.

See I know so much about the different races, the different genders and life itself because I listen, watch and cry for all and I try to forgive everyone though I don't even know you, I do try.

You don't know who I am!

I am a son, a daughter, a stepfather, an uncle, a soon to be aunt, a godfather, a great uncle but most of all a great friend to all whether I am a man or whether I choose to be whom I believe I should have been born..a woman.

Believe it or not, I love you all......

For my Father and Stepmom

Such a shocker huh, your good looking oldest son with all the greatest friends, successful and comes out to the world that he now wants to be a woman and give up all hopes and dreams. Hmm why do you think I would want that, give up on my dreams or give up my friends? Hmm why do you think I would want that, give up on my dreams or give up my friends?

Did you happen to notice I was depressed, not just lately mind you, say for the last 35 years.

Oh yes I covered up my life, I covered up because I had no one to talk to about my problems. Marriage was when I really woke up, the doctors and urologists who pointed out my little disorder. Imagine your son with the look of sadness on his face when the urologists said you will never bear children, you have NO SPERM COUNT!!
Do you see what I am saying here, I have one testes, where is the other one? My one testes is the size of a five year old, OMG what happen to me god? I wanted children, I could of been a great parent but I was never given the chance because something went wrong in birth.
I guess being a woman wouldn't please you either, as a man I was a failure too for you, but atleast let your son be the girl he was supposed to be. I will always be *sis* and I learned to live with it.
I remember growing up you used to say, never give up on your dreams, well this has been one of my biggest and now what, give up?I hurt all the time, emotionally drained and crying all the time. Why must I endure all this grief and my own parents look at me like *what*?

I have always been there for you two, I do the things your other children can't do or refuse to do, why do you turn me away, why? I am beautiful, I am a woman in a mans body and I am unhappy in my present state, please, please understand why I need this. Always been feminine, soft skin and mannerisms, and god only knows the emotional way about me. This is better than dying, I was emotionally unstable and I wanted you to listen, to understand and maybe, just maybe stand behind me like all my brothers and sister. Maybe like all my friends, whom you think are not with me on this.
I am sorry Dad, I am who I am because you taught me to follow my dreams. You know what? It doesn't matter, I am who I am because I love myself and if I fail as a person (not a gender or a label) then I fail. Whether you love me or not, I am loved by many and that is all that counts!

Believe it or not, my finding myself has given reasons why I need to be here.

Part Two - The journey

When I reached the age of 14, I finally did find my mom, she was married to some idiot that didn’t like teens, especially a teen like me, if he had known I was part girl my life would have been a living hell. I was there for a few months and low and behold my father threaten her if I wasn’t returned, she would be thrown in jail so I gave myself up. Why Dad, why do I have to go back to you, why? I planned and saved to run away again, this time I wouldn’t go with my mother, this time my father wouldn’t find me and this time would be the last time I would ever return to his house. I bought a car, paid the examiner off from the DOT so I could drive and slept in my car. Thank god it was during the summer.
I finally went to my mom, and she let me into her life, that was my happiest moment of my life.
She provided the school with a letter to explain that I wasn't to attend gym class and shower with the boys. My mother showed me things about who I was and told me it would be my decision on what I would become but remember this was the seventies, the gender issues weren’t out yet. I learned about myself, how to cook, to sew and make clothes. How to coordinate colors, she should me makeup and asked if I preferred girls or boys, which I said girls of course. My mother was my mentor, my best friend and my Mother. She let me dress as I pleased, wore my hair long and basically was her daughter which I wished often she would see me now instead of in spirit.
As I turned to 17, my father thought it was best that I enlist in the Navy which sounded like he was trying to get rid of me and he did after I joined. While I was away, the thoughts of being the girl I was I had to hide and only because of fear of getting beat up or the unmistakable being raped. I was home from the Navy, and my mentor the one who understood me, the best friend and the person I called Mom was dying from cancer something I couldn’t help change it just watch idly by and pray she would get better. Mom said she would give me the greatest gift for my birthday (I would be 22 years old) and she did, after watching her fight cancer for eighteen months my mother died six days before my birthday – that was my present.
I lost someone who knew me, knew about what kind of person I was, that I was born with a rare gender disorder. I was dating a girl back then who knew of my special side and enjoyed it as well. My hair was long and so pretty, no facial hair and I was 23 years old. She said my chest was baby fat and would someday go away, she was so wrong. How many guys would cuddle and share emotions like I did, she loved that in me. She would dress me up with makeup on a Halloween, only to realize that she was dating a real girl in a males form. I transformed into a girl within minutes before her eyes, I walked and talked naturally, and had many men think I was a young lady that evening. After that night our relationship changed, I was her girl friend not her boy friend and we ended our relationship while I was away taking care of personal business, she ended up with a real male.
She broke my heart because I thought we had a special relationship, but she shunned me away. So I went into a depression that brought be to see a therapist, I finally cried for my mothers death and for losing my girlfriend for being different, which was pointed that I was unique. I was different than other males but I was special and I wouldn't know this until my reenlisted back in the Navy a year later.

Part One - A beautiful baby is born

On August 14, 1961, two people began thier lives as parents to a lovely child with no name or no gender.
The father wanted his son, the mother wanted her daughter, god decided to give them both and here is my story.

A baby in the sixties with a gender problem did'nt exist (intersex), it was frowned upon so my father being the stronger of the two decided he had his son finally and he would be the only one in his family for a hundred generations to have a first born son.
My family tree shows all first born as females, isn't it ironic that I was brought up as a boy? From the time I was born till now, I was always feminine, the sissy in the family. There were hints, like when I was 14 and I was developing into a teen, the doctor that examined me said I was developing normally but my genitals were in fact the same, one ovary and one testes. I wouldn't look like my brothers when it came to puberty, the voice wouldn't develop and when my brothers grew hair on their faces or chest, that would never come for me. My parents divorced when I was 11, my father took me from my mother. Which I had ran away many times but stayed with her until I reached 16. I remember a time during grade school, a boy locked me in a locker laughing the whole time, my younger brother asked him to release me but when the boy refused, my brother knocked all his front teeth out with one punch and rescued me. It was always like that, I wasn’t much of a fighter or did I like to rough house. My girl friends would ask their parents if I could go to sleepovers, but that wouldn’t be since I was a boy to them, I would hang out at the mall and wish I could be just like them. Instead, I grew up to be a weak boy which would develop a bad attitude and be mean as hell towards everyone. I got caught wearing my step mom’s night dress when I was 12, which she had me parade to everyone for a day that I got caught (that was the best punishment I would ever have). I ran away when I was 13, sleeping in boxes and goodwill containers, stealing food to eat till I could find my true Mother. I would get closer to her which dad would bring me back and I would run away again. Now how many times does it take for him to understand I am not happy? I tried to commit suicide when I was 16, I failed in life as a girl and certainly as a boy, so I wanted what was right for me. Not to be ashamed of my body no longer, my emotional roller coaster would end, and I failed because I called an ambulance to pump my stomach and hear my father say "you can't even do that right!", Oh how I wished I was never born then. But my life was about to change.....

Shauna is special to me

This is so different, now being out the excitement everyday brings. On Monday I will have laser hair removal for the little hair I have on my face and then for my body. My skin has naturaly been so soft, but I hear hormones make you soft, how much more soft can I get?
Let me explain to you something, I have always been feminine and I am not ashamed of it either, makes me happy I found myself.
What does life have in store for me now that I said enough is enough? Should I have always stayed hidden till my dying day just to please others around me, hell no, I want this more than life itself. As all my CD girl friends tell me thier adventures I find I am looking forward to becoming the woman I have been waiting for oh so many years. She is real special, you really should meet her. Shauna is like no other woman I have met, and I have met plenty but this isn't about me is it.
Imagine someone so sweet and gentle, she didn't have to be mean she had me to do that. Shauna is everything I am not and more, if I could meet someone, I would want her.
A little girl no more, a woman waiting for her time and that is sooner than you think.

GG and the wedding

I have a good friend getting married in September, this is his first (marriage) and his fiancee (her second marriage). This isn't about him, his girl asked me (Shauna) to attend the wedding, because she said I was beautiful and that Shawn was too brash.

I was honored, so I shopped and searched for the perfect dress, with all the correct accessories. This little shopping spree cost me a hefty $200.00, not only clothes but a professional makeup artist (only the best for Shauna). Now this is the best part of this little blog, she asked now that Shauna not to attend (halt) ahhh what did she ask?
Apparently she thinks that for some odd reason one of my friends which is her future husbands friends, will get a few drinks in himself and make a scene towards Shauna. Ahh my friends will make a scene towards me, I don't think so!
Now why would a GG ask me to a wedding and reception only to say a week later?

(mistake number 1)I showed her the dress and accessories before her decision and now I have to send it all back hoping to get refunded.What possible reason would she do that??

(mistake number 2)Don't invite someone and take back the invite just because you assume something may happen when you know damn well it won't.

That is one beautiful dress...I would have made a beautiful princess that night.