The easy way away from this mess I call life is suicide, take my life out of this sorry place we call earth. Since not working anymore I haven't been able to pay my mortgage, hardly pay my bills and not able to continue with transitioning. What a $%cked up mess.
Suicide sounds too easy and the people I will hurt in this process is something I can not do, I would rather suffer fate than hurt my friends and family. I will probably end up on the streets til I find work again, this isn't my first time living on the streets but I never thought it would be like this again. This recession is really hurting everything.
I hear people complaining about their jobs and you know what I wish I had their job I will never complain because I will finally be working.
When I was working I had everything, the best electronic toys, directv, satellite radio, fast internet, new clothes and kept my truck clean. My parents loved what I did for them, I gave them internet, new computers and printers, directv, cell phones and satellite radio which I paid for everything.
Then I got laid off, I had enough funds to pay 10 months of my mortgage payments and bills after that I would be in trouble. I lost the directv and satellite radio first and all hell broke loose because I couldn't pay their bill, my stepmother chewed me out over not being able to pay for these things. So she called Directv and had the service turned on in her name but refused to turn it on for me. The cell phones were a family plan that too was changed. I lost all respect from them because I couldn't pay their bill anymore. I was used and kicked to the curb because I no longer could give them their toys. I also was frowned upon when I came out to the world being a woman. My brothers and sister had open arms, my aunts, uncles and cousins all accepted me but the two people whom I call my parents shunned me.
When I was 16 years old, I attempted suicide, swallowed alot of pills wanting to end the knowledge of my intersex issue. I knew I was different, I was shown that and hiding was going to be a challenge so I assumed taking the pills would end that. Only thing is, I was hurting all who knew and loved me so I called an ambulance and rushed me to the hospital to pump my stomach and save my life. I didn't chicken out nor did I do it for attention, I only wanted peace which I never achieved.
My father was pissed and his new wife made me pay for the therapy sessions to find out why I did it. They knew why I did it but never accepted it. I was grounded, spanked and was to give all my earnings to pay the therapist bill.
So here I am 32 years later wanting to do it again, take out my life to relieve my suffering though I again will not do because of who I know and who love me.
Yes I am poor but I am rich with love and friendships, and suicide may be a way out but not for this lady for I am tougher than that.
Three recent books about Magnus Hirschfeld
5 weeks ago
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3 Comments:
Shauna, I don't comment on blogs that much anymore, but I feel compelled to do so now. I'm encouraged that you realize suicide is not the way out...at the same time you kinda sound like you're trying to talk yourself into believing what you say about being tough.
I can't imagine how betrayed you must feel about your parents. I don't know what that's like. I've never been suicidal either. BUT, I do know that you are a great person and there's nothing I want more for you than to see you follow through on your statement about being tough. Please try to find different sources of help...they are out there. If you don't know where to start, just start asking everyone you come into contact with...someone will help you.
I remember someone telling me that one of the reasons the US was able to win WWII is because American's always seem to find humor in times of desperation. The Germans were very serious minded, and could not cope with those same situations.
Anyway, just hang in there Shauna! This too shall pass...as they say. Never give up and never ever think about quenching the life of a precious human being...you. We all love you and are here cheering you on and wishing you greater days and much happiness and love in the near future. Hugs, Suzi
Oh, Sis, I'm sorry things have got so bad! And worse, that you have no support from those who should help you. I hope that soon you can at least find a job that will help you pay the bills until you can find something better or retrain. Love you! Wish I had to job to offer.
Shauna, Suzi and Véronique left good comments so I have little to add. I'll be thinking of you and you need to just think positive.
I have interviewed a lot of people over the years. Some come in and you can see in their eyes that they are convinced they will not get the job. This transmits to the person doing the interviewing. The best thing you can do is to be very positive, up, and appear to be a fun person in the eyes of the person doing the interviewing.
The other point I might add is that exercise can do wonders for your mood and psyche. I know. I really know. It got me out of depression. I now walk/jog/run about 2 miles a day, pretty much rain, shine, or even snow.
Good luck, Shauna, and know that I'm routing for you.
Calie xx
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