My new life, it hasn't changed me...

My new life began when I came out from behind that big closet door, I now live my life as a man and a woman. Before that time I lived as a man that was very sad, emotionally I struggled daily hiding something which I sometimes wish it never happened to me but I am thankful it didn't happen to one of my brothers.

I have research my issue for 35 years, a gender disorder something that will make a person commit suicide because there is no cure, it isn't something someone thinks is in thier head because it isn't something that can be treated with medicine.

My mother kept something from the world the moment I was developing into a teen, maybe it was to save me from being hurt maybe it was something to keep me from being discovered or maybe it was because my father would not understand. Either way my mother tried to save me and it has tormented me for 35 years.

My hopes and dreams of having children are only dreams now, all my prayers in the world will never be answered. I could have adopted, but to have a child of your very own is so precious and that will never happen. Everyone I know has beautiful children, some I believe do not deserve to have but god let them have them anyway. Atleast I have my beautiful nieces my sister had, oh my they are so precious, my pride and joy. I have a godson too, I held him when he was a baby and cried because he wasn't mine. I have held more babies wishing just one time they could have been mine.

To see me you would never know I have a disorder, that my skin is softer than silk, that I am so emotional that I cry at a moments notice and I live two lives because I am trying to find happiness of who I am. Maybe my stepmom was right when she said it would have been easier if I had came out as gay, maybe I am if I become a woman totally. I make a great girl friend for women because I listen and sometimes envy because I believe I am more woman than man.

I know in my heart, it hurts my friends and family to see me in this bad way, and I wish I never came out only because I don't like to see them with the hurt in thier eyes. I can read faces so well that at times I don't want to look at them. It hurts me more now knowing how I have hurt so many with my secret, I just wish I kept my secret a secret.

I was hoping maybe I would find more happiness pushing that door open, I was looking to change what hasn't left my inner self, I still am unhappy maybe more now than before, I am still lost in a sea of emotions that hasn't left me and I hate feeling sorry for myself I hate it. I want peace within, that is all I am asking for. Why couldn't I have been born normal?

My life is so much different now, I am still the same person and I still look the same but the people that are around me are different, now that they know who I am. I am a woman and a man which changed everything, there is no more secrets.