I had it all along

The hormones have given me what I always dreamed of since I was a young teen, the anatomy of a woman that never fulfilled. How could I be that boy that felt so alone inside? Where was God, when I was growing up wrong?

Why was I so different, why I could not just be like all my brothers? Why did I have to be disliked for being different? Puberty hit, and my life changed. I used to walk around as a kid with a smile on my face daily, and now you barely see that smiling boy. You saw a person who felt alone, felt unwanted and insecure about their life. My voice never changed like the other boys, my emotions towards girls never changed. I would look at my body and feel ashamed, it wasn’t me. That is not who I was. My heart would ache more, and more. Here I was a troubled boy forming a body I never wanted. Here I was going through life feeling disconnected from my body. Why was I given this nightmare?

Why God? I ask you why?

I am pain free now, as I lay here I think about how painful it was living as the wrong identity? Here I am starting to change myself into the person I dreamt of being. Here I am becoming that identity that I felt I was meant to be. Each pill helped me ease the pain of a childhood that I could never change. It helped me feel free of the burden I was about to put on my family. What was my father going to think when his oldest son, comes home as his oldest daughter? Would he abandon me, hate me as all those other people did because I was that different child? Would he see someone that meant nothing to him? Would he stop loving me? Would be embarrassed to love me? Would I break his heart because I was finally being free? Each pill that is in me, as I felt the pain erase, I felt life enter my soul, I felt like my world was starting to become complete.

Laying there on the bed, I daydream and start to remember the first time I tried to apply my mom’s makeup to my face. As I look in the mirror, I do not see the imperfections; I see something of beauty shining back at me. I see a life that is waking up to a new world. As I look at that face, I sit and wonder how will I make this life my everyday way?

How will I succeed as the person I love?

Will others love me or hate me?

As I sit and ponder, I think to myself do I want a vagina. Do I want what my sister has? Do I want what my girl friend’s have? For years, I would ponder that question.

In addition, one day I came to terms with it; I already had my vagina, God had blessed me with this thing that I looked at and enjoyed. I embraced it, because it was who I was. I felt like it was a part of my structure of being a woman.

My vagina was not like my sister’s or my girl friend’s but it was mine. I treated it as such. I felt like the true vagina was in my consciousness, it was who I was from the inside out. I did not need a huge surgery to make me have that vagina. I have had it since I was born, it has been with me, and I just had to find it! At forty-seven years on this earth, I found it, and it was there all along.

How could all these years I not know about it? It was because I was not ready for it.

I had walked in the shoes now, I felt it. I felt what God gave me, why alter it with a lot of money I did not have? Why not embrace it with love?

I lay there finding my inner vagina, my inner feminine, my inner womanhood. I know we go through life making choices and at that point, in my life I felt like it was a choice I had to do, maybe it was illegal, maybe it was pumping my body with wrongful toxins, but I was becoming this person I longed to be. I was not that boy who felt trapped and alone anymore, I was this girl that felt free to be herself.

Was not scared of what people thought of her. That pain free moment on that bed in my house was well worth it because it has brought me years of happiness.

My vagina talks to me everyday as I look in that mirror and see something unique. I see a creation of a person that God knew I could handle. I see a life that was finally whole. A beautiful amazing creation of what my vagina was meant to be... a Intersex Woman.

A Vagina, is a reference we can all take with us, it is something we can all find in our own self because we all have some inter feminine in us all.

Taking a life

Krista E
(1981-2011)
Memorial Website

Krista, I wish I had known I would have asked to help in any way I could. I attempted suicide and failed because I didn't want to hurt anyone I loved or loved me. Hearing this was tragic, we all know what it feels like to be alone. If anyone needs a shoulder or an ear please ask me I will be there to help.

Becoming a nature woman

My emotional side is catching up with me when someone makes comments and I hurl into a series of crying fits, jeez what is that all about? Looking at my future as a woman and I am so excited, maybe you don't know I have lived in both genders and I know how both have the club advantages.

Males are truly pigs I am sorry for saying that, no I am not, that gender is a class in itself. The scratching and tugging, moving their packages to re-adjust oh my god wash your ass once in awhile or wear baggier clothes to get air in there. The high five slaps when their team makes the score, come on life can be much more exciting if you participate in the real sport. Did you happen to look at your fashion guys, brown and black shoes what total 20 different pair of the same thing then the athletic shoes give me a break. Put some variety in there won't you, heck no, that would mean you would have to use some of that brain muscle and that would strain something. Then the clothes, T-shirts, dress shirts, ties and pants and the same ole style of suits god where is the different flavors? Accessories where? What a cap or a watch, once in awhile a gold chain around a neck submerged in that hairy (yuck) mess. Standing around talking about how lucky we are getting laid or making the other fellow feeling bad that he didn't get any because he didn't do it like this or that and the high five again. Men have a special bonding club, it is so unique none other is like it. The power they have over women they think they are better but really they no clue, if it wasn't for the woman with her knowledge the business would have crumbled long ago. I really hate to be critical with that but they are like cave men, and I had to associate with them because I was taught that way. Young boys are taught to not cry, brush it off stand straight and move on. Don't be a sissy be a man and so be it that is what is drilled into your head. Put down that doll, no you can not hang out with the girls you will be labeled a sissy. Trucks, cars and skinning the knee, no tears your a man now. I hated that club so much, I didn't care I was a sissy so what but I could kick your ass if you provoked me enough. I have been in a whole 3 fights, only because someone wanted to test my abilities I guess.

Yes men have a club of their own and you have to be male to be in it, I will be loosing that membership one day oh well too bad but it never changes so I could tell you about it.

The club I have always wanted to be in has been in front of my face since I was born, I am different, I am all girl which I never had a chance to smile when I received flowers or giggle like the girl I am. This is a wonderful womanhood that I missed because I was being trained to be a boy, when I should have been wearing dresses and cute socks, puppy dogs and kitties oh so cute shopping for whatever sale is going on come on lets go. I can not say he is cute because I am not that way but you sure look hot in that you bitch I wanted to wear that. Being a woman can not be compared to anything out there, it is quite special and my hormones tell that every minute of everyday. Is my nail polish right and wait no it is the wrong color for this outfit, off it comes and the right finish needs to be on and oh look at that bathing suit no way wrong color it will make me look fat wait can I have that bag instead. Damn look at all those shoes, yes I am a shoe slut I can not help it so much variety and my god I don't have enough room well get rid of that spare bedroom I need the space. No heels darn they kill my calves, those wedges are beautiful and look what they do to my butt, I got to get one of each color and style wait does that have a belt to go with that oh I need a new purse darn It need that scarf too. Oh and the clothes please don't even get me started, the accessories I need that spare bedroom made into a walk in closet, I am so happy wait is that a split end oh my and where did that pimple come from. The plucking of hair to be so perfectly beautiful just for myself not because I have to impress anyone wait is that a gray hair time to color it no more gray please. Get my attention with perfume on display, the clothes I can shop for hours and hours does this make my ass look big oh how does this fit crap I need to loose more weight darn I wanted that too.

I am so emotional lately and also being off work due to sickness sure doesn't help because it gives me time to myself too much which I really start to see the imperfections about myself. I once bought a pair of seven inch heels, what was I thinking back then, I tried oh did I ever try to walk in them and my tendons from my calves were screaming to get my feet out of those torture chambers. They sit on my shelf staring at me now, had to be a man that made that style because no woman is crazy enough to wear them. The weight I have on my body oh darn brownie I knew better but oh so delicious couldn't help myself and now I am paying for it pushups and crunches, running so many miles sweating oh how nasty sweat everywhere gawd I don't need this now, I want that skirt to fit right please no more weight.

Can't be wasting time on being a man anymore, I want to be the woman I am, the bond we have us girls and knowing what we are having in the emotional need gawd I missed that so much I guess I was always the girl and never knew it but I loved having that in me. Time to get back to work and get back to saving money, I want my body to be perfect well almost because it will never be perfect, I sure can not wait to see myself in that wedding dress just one time.

So now you have it, the difference between genders. I love being a woman more than a man for the simple reason I am proud of who I am, I am stronger than the male species though they thought I was trained to be something I am not. It is a welcoming feeling when I am in the shower shaving the sparse peach fuzz on my legs and splashing bath oil on my body because I want to be soft and pretty. I have been doing this since I was a boy, and I do cry when I scrap my knee so what that doesn't make me a sissy I am just a girl.

It isn't supposed to be like this?

Each of us go through life hoping we will be accepted by everyone, not just our friends and families but society as a whole. Many do and others don't. The sad part is we are the same people in a different wrapper though others don't see it that way. I get so upset hearing about bullying and the suicides that it leaves me angry and in tears because there is nothing I can truly do. I am just like you, I discovered something different in my life that caused me to hide my differences from the world, I learn to act as a male to satisfy my father whom I love and respect. I also hid my differences from society I believe they wouldn't understand that my body was changing into a totally different gender then the one I was portraying.

I wasn't three or seven years old when I first realized I was different, I had a great time playing with my brothers as deviant as we were. I would never trade the joy as a boy with anything it is one of my best memories, sitting here now I have an awesome grin on my face and tears in my eyes knowing I was normal for a little while of my young life. When I discovered my difference I was in the doctors office with my mother and it then was a hush situation even then mom kept it to herself but I knew something was terribly wrong for she was in tears. Mom was the greatest woman you would have ever met, she was my best friend, my teacher,my protector and my mother, I miss her so very much.
I learned later on I wasn't the boy who I was brought up to be, but mom never said your a freak or your not right, she believed god gave me a gift and with my gift I would provide happiness to whomever associated with me.
She said I was her gift from god. She and I went to the hospital and had many tests, xrays and blood work to discover I was a female 89%. Why 89%, I mean why not 100% or maybe they screwed up and I was 89% male.

I had a uterus and an ovary inside my body, also one testicle, growing breasts, even having a period then later found I was sterile not to have the pleasures of having children of my own which was devastating all in itself.

So that day forward I hid from everyone, from my brothers who meant the world to me and my being different changed the way I grew up as well. I tried very hard to ignore my father who often called me sissy or Sis, I knew I had no one to turn to, my parents divorced and my father took his boys. So on my own I tried to find someone like my mother who could help me with my situation, no one or no where could I find what I had. So at the age of 16, taking matters in my own hands, I swallowed a whole bottle of water pills and Valiums which slowly would put me out of my own desperate plea of help to rest.

Funny how I think sometimes, laying there (now after all the years I still see myself) all I thought of was hurting the people around me. I desperately called an ambulance, and begged them to save my life. I didn't want to die to hurt my family or friends.

That was such a long time ago, thirty three years ago and I still see it in my mind reminding me how lucking I really am. Fours years ago I finally took my stand in life, I came out to the world.
No more hiding, no more being frighten of anyone or anything because I was different. I wasn't different, the world was. I was unique and people needed to know who I was and by god I was announcing it to everyone. First my sister, whom was incredible standing behind me and my brothers also. My dad never understood so he never acknowledge me after that, but this was my life not his. My stepmother would accept a year later. I came out to my friends all of whom said it was a surprise but accepted me for who I was. I did a couple interviews with papers and was asked to see a movie before it went public (XXY) based on a girl just like me.

Wow many things have changed since then, I have been out but not like I wanted to be. I lost my job for 2 years, then my house, moved across states to find a home in Virginia. I started working for Dell computers in November of 2010, it would change my life before I knew it. I discovered they are a very diverse corporation and have a PRIDE organization within the company that would help me come out at work.

Waiting was the hardest part but I had waited this long, waiting a little longer wouldn't hurt. So I started wearing my earrings and my manager took notice and then my hair was highlighted and he took notice making silly remarks but jokily. He never seen it coming and I thought he did. I had told my associates whom I worked with and again everyone loved me for me,( thank you Lu and Bev) it didn't change who I was. Last Wednesday the 18th of May I sent my manager my video and an explanation of why I was sending it, he replied that he would watch it and we could talk about it on Thursday or Friday.

Thursday afternoon, I went and asked if he seen the video and he did, I asked can we talk now, I was so nervous and by the end of our conversation I was in tears. He surprised me when he said he would do everything in his power and then some to make my transition as easy as possible. I was his top engineer and I was the same person to him. I was accepted for me, the first time in my life I was free, no more hiding no more being frighten and damn the tears haven't stopped.

Even now writing this I am in tears, not for being sad, happiness really does come out in tears. All the years I have endured with a black cloud over me, I ventured forward, I blended and became the person I am today. I will miss my male self but I only wanted to be happy who I am and that is Shauna Elizabeth. My mom would be proud of me, I became the woman I think she would have expected and I never stopped making people happy.

I am after all a gift from God.


If your new to this blog or transitioning, please don't give up there is happiness on your journey trust me.

Please be seen and not heard

Intersex people are supposed to lie low and keep quiet. Not me.
I'm not defective, I'm not disordered, I'm not ashamed. I just don't fit in
your gender boxes.

I'm intersex by birth and honest by choice.

Do not treat me as whatever gender you perceive me to be.
Treat me for who I am and what I do.
Do not tell me I have to pick one or the other So you will feel better about how you think of me.
Do not tell me there are only two options.
Do not tell me my gender was decided by the doctor.
I'm sick of this dichotomous gender bull.
Gender expression can very wildly.
Do not exclude me because I don't fit in your perfect mold.
Do not make an example of me So others will be afraid to show their true selves.
Just because I am not what you expect Does not give you the right to ridicule, beat, rape, and murder me.
I have a right to live and be happy.
A right to be who I am.
by Angel Dobbs-Sciortino