Pondering where I have been and where I am heading

Today is just like any other day, boring and still looking for work. When I am idle like this it sets me up to ponder my future, how I wish sometimes my transition would be complete. I don't wish to go through puberty again, I did it once and now I am doing it again.

The fantastic feeling of a gentle wind across my chest is heavenly, I never experienced anything like that.

I center my thoughts on my breasts now more than ever, why that is is beyond me but that is my second thing of my transition that I look at everyday. The first part is loving myself, I haven't given myself any time because I worry about everyone else.

I want to share a photo of someone whom is a mentor, this woman went through some really hard times to become the woman she is today and has set a path for all transgender women to follow.
I am so proud of her, and her book was truly wonderful. It is called "My Story" by Caroline Cossey. http://www.amazon.com/My-Story-Caroline-Cossey/dp/0571129099/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213391114&sr=1-1

Someday I will finish my book as well "Welcome home, Shauna", it is about my birth and the wondrous adventures with my brothers and now my transition. Coming out was nothing to what I thought it would have been, I thought after reading all the books on transitioning and other life experiences, that I too would have trouble but that wasn't so. I do often wish I had an older sister to share my thoughts and difficulties with, but I am the oldest child. I would ask my girlfriends (Genuine women) for advice but I do not wish to burden anyone with my questions. Just knowing about me is hard enough for some, it will take time for them to get used to the idea that I was once a guy and I do understand this, what I would like for them to know is that I am still the same person only happier.

I know what it is like to be a woman, I have been one since birth even though I am in this image and have hidden from all of you, I have watched and learned what I can. It isn't easy by all means to be two people, I live two lives and one secretly out of fear.
So to understand my path you would have to be in my shoes, some of it was exciting, some educational and mostly stealth from all to have known me.
Often I have thought of myself as a spy, or an actor because of the part I lead, it was very difficult at first and as time went on I became better at it. I would tape down my chest or wear baggy shirts, baggy clothes all the time. Then I got a better idea, I became heavy because I would lose my curves and my chest wouldn't show as much and you know what? It worked!

No one could see me inside like that, but in time I became more distressed and the emotional roller coaster began, I have gotten more weepy sometimes the tears started and wouldn't stop, and then the night sweats started which I could not even understand what that was about, it was 57 degrees in my bedroom and I was wearing a sheet sweating. What began as a calm day ended in turmoil when someone would say something nice and I would blow up.
Many women will find themselves where I am today, where I have been for a little over a year and a half it is called pre-menopause. It is a vicious cycle of emotions and the body going through the change. I would like to tell you it would be easier had I had a vagina but since I don't have one of my own I will not say that. I do have a sort of being bloated each month, not gas but an uneasy feeling in my lower stomach but I never told anyone but my doctor of it, he said it was symptoms of having a menstrual cycle but there is no release. Midol works wonders as well as aspirin. I guess it is weird for a male to go through this but I have learn to accept it, I mean what could I possibly do to prevent it?

I have something else working in my head, my thoughts drift off to being a full woman but that would be a major decision which involves my genitals. Having one testes that doesn't function but my penis does to a point mind you. If I were to have the surgery to have a Vaginoplasty
http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/SRS.html

"When an intersex baby is born, the default is usually to perform surgery," in my case it was overlooked out of fear maybe or maybe it wasn't noticed until my teen years and it was too late.

So now that is something that sits in the back of my mind, it will be an expensive surgery and one that will not be a reversal either. Then I will have to look at dating too, I do not like men!!
Also it would be safe to say that I would have to worry about my career since men think they are better than women when it comes to salaries, there is so much to think through. I will say though, clothes would fit better, and since I sit to pee anyhow it would makes sense.
I think it is fair to say that the hormones I am taking daily is what is making me think of my path towards womanhood, and being unemployed too.
Every once in awhile I wear a bra which is a 38C but I know I am a small B but it does feel wonderful and it makes me happy so I do it. I am not supposed to wear one because it prevents the growth but a hour or so won't hurt.

Well enough of my ramblings, I had to write it down since it is running in my head, I hope what I write helps others understand me and also helps them with their journey. Take care and may god watch over you all.

Shauna
XXOO