I am not one for feeling sorry for myself it isn't me, I hold back for many reasons. One, is because people look to me for guidance and to fall apart in front of them when they need most is so difficult. I don't and will not allow it. Ok I had my 5 minute cry, I am so happy I bought tissues.
The world is dumping on me now, discovered the company I work for gave me limited Health Insurance. That means my specialist can not see me because my insurance doesn't cover it. My medication used to cost $5 now will cost $101. I made a huge mistake and rented a 2 bedroom town home, why? It is too big, too lonely and too much. So now I am trying to find something smaller and less money.
Defying my genders is causing havoc to me, I need to pick one and stick with him or her. I need to weigh this out, can not and will not ever forget who I am or how I achieved where I am. The world as I see it in my eyes does not want my 2 spirits...pick one and live with it. Doing so causes me to crash and burn, breaking down my barriers and the depression takes over. What I wouldn't give to be trans, or better yet to be female and stop all of this. No that isn't right either, I am fighter, have been always will be til I am in an urn sitting in the ocean.
My hero died long ago, she was my best friend, no one could take her place. She now would look me in the eye and say you can do this, cry if you must but you are stronger than most. That disease showed me I can survive what god puts in front of me, and that makes me smile. He is always putting road blocks in front of my path, seeing if his angel can move forward without breaking down.
There are people out there than need more than I can provide and know this, but I am persistent I want to help so much and again the tears roll down my cheeks, giving up is not an option, it just pushes me harder.
Today is no exception, as I watch myself cry it angers me I could be doing something to help someone else and yet the tears cloud my vision and I begin screaming this isn't who I am. Please make the hurt stop and the tears will end.
My depression isn't like yours, I am alone even when others are near, I miss her. She guided me for times like this, pushed when I needed the push and cheered me on when I succeeded.
So I sit here with huge streams down my cheeks, fighting the dam and losing, I am sorry I am not as strong as you want me to be Mom........I am crying!
Three recent books about Magnus Hirschfeld
5 weeks ago
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2 Comments:
I can really feel you struggling. It seems you know what you want, but being double-minded creates great depression.
Your relationship with your mom must have been something special. I wish I could say the same for myself. It seems that the great memories of your relationship with her should be used to make you smile, not cry. Yes, you miss her, but try to be positive.
I really don't think God is placing roadblocks in front of you. He may be allowing them to exist, but it's not his nature to put them there just to create trouble and stress in someone's life. Realize he knows about your troubles and all those roadblocks, and ask him to take care of them for you. He will.
In the mean time please accept my heartfelt cyber-hug. Know you are not alone. Hang in there GF. :)Suzi
A lovey comment from Suzi....
Shauna, you say,
What I wouldn't give to be trans, or better yet to be female and stop all of this.
Honestly, I'm not sure I understand this. Yes, I know you are 47XXY. I firmly believe I am too, but have not been tested. The markers are all there. Until then, and even if confirmed, I will continue to consider myself trans...and if you want to be specific, transsexual. The frustration, and sometimes depression resulting from this abnormality of birth is something I would not wish on anyone. I do very much understand the comment about wishing to be female, however.
I do wish you well, girl (and that is what you are).
Calie
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