Cookies and Pride

For Pride Month we all came together for the LGBTIQ to celebrate recognizing each of us as equal people. The following huge companies stood up for their beliefs and the National Organization for Marriage tried unsuccessfully to shoot them down. Makes me wonder why they don’t do their homework. Did you know that the average divorce rate for heterosexual couples is .36 percent whereas the same sex is .1 percent?

How can someone be a naive to believe that it’s a life style, if their child were to be gay, lesbian or transgender would they hide it from the rest of the world? Where in the bible does it say we aren’t equal? So it is upsetting to see an organization that thinks that a family value is based on the norm of male and female. How can an organization state its mission to protect marriage and the faith communities that sustain it when they have no clue what that actually means. This month and the rest of the year I will be celebrating Pride and the companies that support us.

Where is she.......?

Sometimes I feel like a child, watching the world unfold before my eyes the wrongs over power the rights and yet I can't help wonder why I get up every morning to start this over again. This afternoon I laid down and listened to 15 Concerto in D major No. 116_ Ariothis is one place no one can hurt others or me for that matter.

So here I am well and happy, the cancer is gone but I have blood clots, not to worry all is under control with blood thinners which I am watched over like a piece of raw meat from vultures *giggling* 

Since returning to Chicago with a promise of a new job which did not take place I accepted a position that lied to me from the beginning, Printer Support Specialist that turned out to be nothing more than a glorified secretary job. The manager whom I have no clue had hired me only to write me up for being ill and then losing that position. What a bitch but hey, I can't make everyone happy no matter how hard I try.

As of March 2012, it became legal on paper I am a genetic female, my hormones are that of a female and medically assured that I can have everything fixed on paper. Funny, well not really but I have been saying this from day one and all it took was a simple test in the 21st century to show I was telling the truth, its not a phase.

I have been poked, prodded slide after slide looking at my chromosomes and blood, a booster shot of Estrogen and poof I am balanced and the world is in trouble *giggling again*. The blood findings were the best tested for testosterone and I am at 125, a male should be at 300 -700. Estrogen I am at 45, an average female my age is 25 - 75. The chemo altered my hormones and everything was at a stand still till the doctor injected me, no more mood swings but the usual crying comes and goes. I am injected every 2 weeks now, and the results are truly amazing....I have breasts *smiling* and I am proud of them too. I was told I have no prostrate which leaves me in awe, how can that be over looked all these years. I knew I was sterile after having been tested when I was married and I had always said I was so over joyed not to have had children with my ex. 

The tests of a Pet Scan, CT Scan, and MRI found no clues of where the cancer went like nothing at all invaded my body. Blood work after blood work and everything in back to normal, even the damage in the wake of the tumor which ate the bone housing the nerve is repaired healed on it's own, no surgeries needed.

My hair has grown back, eye lashed and eye brows have returned, no hair on my legs *giggling* or anywhere else I am thankful for as well. The only thing is the clots which I will watch carefully, where are these you are wondering. One is in my right leg near my groin, and two in my left lung. I will let you know if there is any changes.

As an active activist I have been rewarded as a celebrity of sorts people are looking to me as their role model because I inspire them with this thing that was given to me...my life. Yes it has been hell, crazy at times though I over came these issues. When you want something as bad as life you fight for it, I am a fighter and could not give up . Besides there are hundreds of people I would have caused despair had something had happen to me.

So am I walk and sit in my chair listing to the soulfulness of 15 Concerto in D major No. 116_ Ario I am drifting to somewhere away from here and I am at peace.

More to come....I have returned. 

I am alone......crying

I am not one for feeling sorry for myself it isn't me, I hold back for many reasons. One, is because people look to me for guidance and to fall apart in front of them when they need most is so difficult. I don't and will not allow it. Ok I had my 5 minute cry, I am so happy I bought tissues.

The world is dumping on me now, discovered the company I work for gave me limited Health Insurance. That means my specialist can not see me because my insurance doesn't cover it. My medication used to cost $5 now will cost $101. I made a huge mistake and rented a 2 bedroom town home, why? It is too big, too lonely and too much. So now I am trying to find something smaller and less money.

 Defying my genders is causing havoc to me, I need to pick one and stick with him or her. I need to weigh this out, can not and will not ever forget who I am or how I achieved where I am. The world as I see it in my eyes does not want my 2 spirits...pick one and live with it. Doing so causes me to crash and burn, breaking down my barriers and the depression takes over. What I wouldn't give to be trans, or better yet to be female and stop all of this. No that isn't right either, I am fighter, have been always will be til I am in an urn sitting in the ocean.

My hero died long ago, she was my best friend, no one could take her place. She now would look me in the eye and say you can do this, cry if you must but you are stronger than most. That disease showed me I can survive what god puts in front of me, and that makes me smile. He is always putting road blocks in front of my path, seeing if his angel can move forward without breaking down. There are people out there than need more than I can provide and know this, but I am persistent I want to help so much and again the tears roll down my cheeks, giving up is not an option, it just pushes me harder.

Today is no exception, as I watch myself cry it angers me I could be doing something to help someone else and yet the tears cloud my vision and I begin screaming this isn't who I am. Please make the hurt stop and the tears will end.

My depression isn't like yours, I am alone even when others are near, I miss her. She guided me for times like this, pushed when I needed the push and cheered me on when I succeeded. So I sit here with huge streams down my cheeks, fighting the dam and losing, I am sorry I am not as strong as you want me to be Mom........I am crying!